


Blood On Our Hands [HIATUS]

by dreamsandmemes



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: AU, Angst, Mention of suicide but not in a main character, More characters to be added, Violence, almost completely written at like 2am, inconsistent updates because my life is a mess, more warnings to be added as story progresses, not all characters are explicitly in it yet but will come more later, pretty dark, probably some brohm later if you want that, relationships to come, who knows what else lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2018-11-28 07:18:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11412981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamsandmemes/pseuds/dreamsandmemes
Summary: In a world where everyone can see the blood on your hands, hiding your actions isn't easy.But the ones that seem good are sometimes the worst of them all.





	1. Prologue

_In a world where everyone can see the blood on your hands, blending in isn't easy._  
_I know._  
_I killed someone once and everyone could see. I started wearing a mask to hide the eyes, then gloves to hide the nails. I stopped smiling to hide the teeth and stopped speaking to hide the tongue. Each feature appearing one by one. I killed more and more and felt less and less remorse._  
_It was fun._  
_I can feel myself teetering on the edge, one more murder and I'm rid of all of this forever. I'll stop caring at all. I'll wander the streets freely. I'll do whatever I want, and won't have any of this humanity left to stop me. I'll finally be free._  
_I'm barely a person, I'm barely human, but, oh boy, am I living._

_We're the ones that the parents and teachers warn the children to avoid, with our black eyes and demonic features, and for good reason. Because if you cross our path, especially those like me, you sure as hell aren't living for long._


	2. Chapter 2

Bryce remembers the day that the irises of his eyes turned from a pale, sky blue to a deep, deep navy that resembled the bottom of the ocean. He always did his best to avoid eye contact after that; everyone knew what it meant, and he had to pretend to new people that it was just some defect or something, after all, who _really_ had naturally black eyes? He never told his parents. He never told his friends. He became reclusive and withdrawn. The one person that may have understood was gone, and it was all his fault.

 

_ 2 weeks earlier  _

"Yo Bryce, you free to hang out tonight? There's a party at mine later." Yet another nameless voice bugged him, he wasn't really paying attention, but it was probably Luke or someone.

"No sorry."

"Ah that sucks man. Maybe next time?"

"Mhm." Bryce dismisses quickly. He simply wasn't in the mood to engage with anyone right now. Yet another night of staying up until 4 or 5 in the morning and then somehow having to suffer through school was really beginning to take its toll, but it wasn't something that Bryce could just stop doing. While the idea of a party sounded fun, and the prospect of just… forgetting for a night was definitely appealing, he knew it wasn't the right choice. Anyway, it's not like he probably would've enjoyed himself in reality.

Bryce audibly sighs, not of frustration, but one permeated by sadness. He was constantly missing out, but he thought his intentions were good at least.

He wasn't an insomniac. He wasn't wasting his time. He was saving someone's life.

Months of stress and pressure had been building up; emotion after emotion had been thrust upon him, both his own and those of another. Late night after late night pressing down on him, emotional fatigue and physical lethargy wrapping tendrils around his body, determined to pull him down into the dark depths. He wasn't sure if he could resist for much longer.

Bryce is fully aware of the consequences of a lack of sleep, after all, his parents are more than willing to lecture him after they wake up early to get ready for work and see the blue-tinged glow cast out by his phone reaching out from under his door time after time. They've got used to his rhythm of staying up late, and Bryce knows they're relieved when the light is off by 4:30 rather than 6. They don't remind him anymore.

He himself is used to the permanent and defined eye bags and the shadows that seem to haunt his features. His cerulean eyes were the only part of his face that contained any hint of real colour now, but even they became duller day by day, and the once bright and bubbly boy now carried only marginally more life than a corpse, and that's how he felt too. Like a dead man walking. The world has lost its vibrancy. The nature has lost its sparkle. The streets have lost their atmosphere. His entire life seemed surrounded by a grey vignette and had faded into monotony; wake up, get ready, suffer through school, get home, stay up, watch the world lighten as he tries to sleep, eat whenever practical. He wasn't living anymore, just surviving.

 

He trudges home. He doesn't pay attention to his surroundings, only pausing now and then to check it was safe to cross the roads because he knew his parents would kill him if he got into some road accident. He cuts through the park, taking the shortcut people always tell him not to take, but frankly he's just so tired that anything that'll take less time is definitely the better option to him. But of course, since he just doesn't care, he forgets about the reason that people always say not to take this path.

There's 4 of them. They're all laughing together, not the kind of laughter shared among friends after jokes or fun, but one that carries a maniacal and malicious tone.

Bryce knows he's made a mistake, realising he won't be able to get home without passing by them, and he's gone so far that it would almost double the time to turn back and retrace his steps to get home the other way.

"What do we have here?" One of them asks with an accent that's not from around here, taking advantage of Bryce's hesitation and walking up to him lazily, as though he's the one in control, which he most likely is. Bryce is rooted to the spot, paralysed by fear as the larger man gets closer and closer.

"What a pretty face!" He sneers, grabbing Bryce's chin in his hand and tracing an abnormally long fingernail down his cheekbone. He draws in closer and Bryce notices his entirely black eyes and pointed teeth, the marks of a killer. It takes 1 kill to turn the irises black, another for the claw-like nails, another for vampiric canines. That's as much as he knows, but he can't imagine how many it must take for the eyes to turn entirely black. One thing everyone does know is that the more you kill, the less human you become, and this one looks too far gone for Bryce to expect any mercy.

"It'd be a shame if something happened to such a _beautiful_ boy." Another one chimes in, Bryce noticing that they've surrounded him, and two have grabbed his arms. The panic begins to kick in and he begins to thrash, hoping to pull away from them and run away.

"Now now now." A third laughs from behind him, wrapping his arms around Bryce's neck and resting his chin on his shoulder, "don't struggle. Would you really want us to get angry?" The young blond realises that, if he moves, the one behind him could quite easily cut off his airways.

"This looks like fun! It's been such a long time since we've had anyone like you to play with." The last one chimes in. They all sound sadistic and Bryce is terrified. He doesn't get scared easily, but he also doesn't get this close to death either.

"What's such a lovely boy doing in such a terrible place?" One of them asks, but Bryce can't track the voice. "This doesn't seem like the place for someone like you."

"Surely you should know better than to walk through here alone. Haven't you heard the stories?"

"Hey hey hey, what did we say about struggling? Anyway, where are you going to run to? There's no one here to help you."

"Get off me!" Bryce yells, attempting to jerk his face away from the one who is still holding it.

"Get him down." The leader says, voice entirely deadpan, any trace of the mania from before gone. Before he knows it he's been shoved to the ground, skull banging against concrete, sending sparks flooding across his vision. His arms have been pinned to the ground and, before he can use them to properly struggle, his legs have too. He's defenceless. Completely and utterly defenceless.

"It was all a bit of fun, wasn't it? One little dare led to one little death." The ring leader says, walking around Bryce, regarding him as though he was a piece of dirt. "Then the eyes turned. Everyone avoided me after that. You'd never recognise me, would you Bryce? You'd never recognise Scotty, or Tyler, or Marcel." He gestured to the other 3. "You _don't_ recognise me, do you? It's me, Brian. But of course you don't _fucking_ care, after all, you never tried to acknowledge us either. You were just like the others." Bryce looks closer at them, recognising them as people who he used to go to school with. The more he thinks about it, he remembers the 4 of them all disappearing one by one, and he could remember the last days he saw them.

"What's the matter Brycey?" Brian pushes. "Upset?"

"I--" Bryce starts, and is immediately cut off by Brian kicking him in the ribs, followed by another kick to the side of his face. He can taste blood.

"Don't apologise now. It's too late. It's too fucking late." Marcel shouts at him.

"We're almost gone, Bryce." Scotty says. "If we kill you, we'll forget. We won't have to feel this, or remember anymore. We're at the edge and you're the only one standing between us and insanity; you're insignificant and insanity sounds pretty fun."

Brian bends down next to Bryce and pulls a small knife from his pocket. The edge is stained red and rusted.

"Oh Bryce." Tyler taunts, "we're _so_ gonna miss you" They all laugh. Scotty and Marcel grab his arms and pull them so they're at right angles to his body, while Tyler stays holding down his ankles.

"Goodbye Bryce" Tyler chimes in, in a sing-song voice.

"What a _fucking shame_." Brian spits in his face.

He twirls the knife in his fingers and grins. Bryce stares at the knife, one aspect of brightness in his otherwise dark world. He watches as Brian lifts it in the air, gripping it in two hands, and drives it straight into Bryce's chest. It crunches through bone and pierces flesh. He lifts it out again and the blood drips onto Bryce's face. He coughs, and crimson erupts from his mouth. Brian drives it in again. Again. Again. And once more for good measure. Then he and the others slink off, laughing to themselves, back to their dark alleyway, leaving the blond boy to curl into the foetal position and bleed and bleed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first fic on here so be kind, and I'm pretty sure I've missed stuff out in the tags. Anyway, there'll probably be relationships later, but I don't wanna tag that yet because they clearly aren't in it now.  
> Any feedback and stuff would be greatly appreciated and I hope you're enjoying it :)


	3. Chapter 3

_I walk through places like this without caring. They should fear me; they know exactly who I am. I'm stronger than each and every one of them, maybe even all 4 together._

_I've killed people like them for sport, and I don't carry the marks that they do. But even after all of this, I'm still human. I still feel emotions, empathy and compassion. For whatever reason, I'm not like the others who lose their humanity as quickly as girls lose hair ties. That's why I had to save the one that I found there._  
_Usually, they take their victims when they know I won't come, just because they worry that I'll intervene (which I might, but they wouldn't be able to stop me if I did), but clearly excitement got the better of them this time and I can understand why; they're almost at the point where they can forget about all the suffering that the others caused them before they left. I remember them all from before, and I was one of the few that didn't shut them out; I don't look like a killer, despite doing what they have and more, and so I wasn't afraid of them like everyone else was, but there was no need to tell them that. It was better to let them think I was normal back then, for them and for me. As a result, we respect each other now they know about me. I don't fuck with them, and they don't fuck with me, and even if they did, there's nothing for them to gain, and a whole hell of a lot for them to lose._  
_I felt bad for them._

 _Scotty, Marcel and Tyler were always laughing and full of life. They had good friends and a good life. Brian was charismatic and charming, intelligent but annoying at times, the sort that was always a leader of groups. He had good prospects; he was the head of several student groups, even though I don't know what they all were, and had high grades. The four of them were always seen in a big group of people, having fun with friends, always happy._  
_Then everything changed. They dared someone to do something stupid, and this someone got hurt pretty damn badly, much worse than any of them could've foreseen. No one meant for anyone to die, but it happened anyway. No one really knew the details, but sure enough, the four of them turned._

 _Now, people forget that you don't need to directly murder someone for things to start to turn, so there was fear of the four everywhere. Whether or not they saw their eyes directly, news travelled fast and so it didn't take long for them to become outcasts. People avoided them, and eventually each of them left the school one by one. Brian was the last. I always respected him; he kept trying to fix things, but you can't control other people and what they think. He was the only one that said goodbye to me, and he thanked me for not acting the way many others did. I guess that built mutual respect between us, not as much as friendship, but something not too far off. He told me to say goodbye to Brock too, because he felt he couldn't do it himself, and they never saw each other again. I know Brock still misses him, but I think he misses the old Brian and everything they did together before, but there isn't anything I can do about that, so I'm not wasting sympathy._  
_Even_ I _don't really know what happened to them straight after they left. Of course, I found them a while later, hunting this exact path, looking for victims. I remember that you'd hear about people from school going missing after taking that shortcut. I was always pretty sure that that was how they exacted their revenge. They were angry at their fellow students for effectively running away from them; they were betrayed even by their closest friends. I remember Craig turning his back on Tyler, despite everything the two had gone through together purely because he was afraid of one of his closest friends and didn't think that Tyler was, well,_ Tyler _anymore. I'm sure Craig would realise now that past Tyler really wasn't that different, if he ever saw what he had become since then. It's for the best though. If I know Craig, then I know that this would destroy him, and so I would never tell him, or at least, not yet._

  
_I recognised the blond boy when I was walking on the path. I always felt protective over him, despite not knowing him particularly well; we shared a few classes and we're both in the band, but we didn't really speak. He's a friend of a friend, but nothing more. There was something about him that always seemed younger than the rest of us, not immaturity, but rather enthusiasm that hadn't been taken away or tainted by the world. Or at least, hadn't been until recently. I always noticed him. I noticed him lose his zest for life. I noticed him become withdrawn. I noticed him losing what made him him._  
_I also noticed him on that path, being held down by the others. I watched Brian take things out on yet another innocent person with that old, stupid knife of his. Inefficient and boring. I saw him lying defenceless. I saw the red blossom from his chest and ease to the floor, mingling with the dirt on the ground. I watched the colour fade from his eyes. I thought I was witnessing another murder. I mean, it wasn't the murder that unnerved me, because that just doesn't… affect me anymore, but it was seeing someone like_ him _be tortured just because they thought it would be fun, and I didn't think the blond deserved that. I could've accepted a quick death and I would've left them to it, but, for some reason, I just couldn't let them do this._

_I rarely feel remorse or pity, but yet my heart broke for him._

_I wanted to save him, even though I don't even know his name. I waited until they'd gone and picked up the limp and lifeless body in my arms. He barely weighed anything, and he seemed much more frail than I remembered and expected; even though he's tall, lifting him felt like lifting a small child. Each one of his shallow breaths sent a fine spray of blood towards me. Pulling him close into my chest, I ignored the blood soaking through my grey hoodie and called an ambulance._  
_They took him in and I went with him, watching as they did everything they could to keep him alive. I was scared, and I still can't explain why I felt these emotions for someone who was practically a stranger. I left quickly after that, not wanting to be recognised. Even though I don't show many of the signs of a killer, I do have the eyes and I didn't want to show that to anyone, especially not with his blood on me._  
_I have no idea why I even tried to help; I should've just let the others kill one more time so they could be at… well, peace is the wrong word, but it'll do, and I wouldn't have to care about them anymore, but I instinctively tried to help him, but I don't know why._  
_And for whatever reason, I really do hope he's safe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a different POV to the prologue, but I wanted to italicise this just to show how different it is to Bryce. Take a wild guess at who it could be ;)  
> This is mainly just a filler chapter so that the next one will make more sense, but I haven't finished that yet so idk when it'll be up  
> Hope you enjoyed :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, I'm back again! this is just a heads up to say that I don't know how hospitals and medical shit really work, so I researched a little, found nothing helpful, and just used my artistic license instead, hope you enjoy it anyway :)

Everything was too bright and too abrasive and, god, everything hurt like hell. Each breath sent spasms of pain through him. He had tubes snaking from his hand, his eyes were heavy with sleep and he wore a hospital gown, even though he didn't even remember leaving the park.  
The events of what he thought was last night came flooding back into his brain and panic suddenly seized hold of him. His breathing suddenly seemed strained and he couldn't seem to take in enough air.

  
They were around him again.

  
His heart was pounding against his ribs, threatening to break free. He rolled onto his side and drew his knees protectively into his chest, ignoring the pain that was screaming out at him. Tears roll, but Bryce isn't crying, or at least he doesn't think so, but it just hurts so much, and _he can't breathe and oh god they're there again, how did they get here? He's going to die and it's so, so scary and --_  
"Bryce! Bryce, we're going to need you to try and calm down." A nurse comes rushing in but Bryce can barely register anything that's happening,  
"Look at me" she speaks gently, touching his chin in the hopes of drawing him out of whatever twisted reality he's in, but he violently jerks his head away and his breathing just becomes more shallow and panicked as he thrashes as much as he can to try and escape. All Bryce can see is the dark eyed man who held his face and then stabbed him, and every fibre of his being is telling him to get away, to run until he can't run anymore.  
"Get off me!" He yells, voice hoarse and pained, too weak to fight off his attacker. There's too much pain. He stops struggling and gives in, willingly accepting whatever his fate will be this time. "Don't hurt me."  
"We need you to stop before you tear your stitches."  
" _Please, don't hurt me._ " He whispers.

Everything is going dark and he's just so scared; one mistake is going to kill him and Bryce really doesn't want to die. He's absolutely terrified of death; the consequences unthinkable and, even in this state of delirium, he knows that someone is relying on him to keep living. There's so much he hasn't done, and he can't go out like this, not now, not yet.

  
A thought suddenly strikes him, sending worry coursing through his veins. How long has he been gone? How long has he been missing the late night messages and neglecting someone that he really cares about?  
"How long have I been out?" He pushes, dispelling the visions around him, pure panic forcing him to take back control of his own brain once again. "HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN OUT?" He shouts.  
"About 2 days, give or take a few hours."  
"Oh no… oh…" he trails off. He's too groggy to properly comprehend what's happening and his thoughts are all swirling around him like smoke. Inhaling smoke. Inhaling panic.  
"You'll need to stay relatively immobile for several days, we'll monitor your condition and see if there's any possibility of you being discharged earlier."  
"No… no… I … I can't… I _can't_ be gone for that long… I … I just _can't_ "  
"Again, we need to ensure you don't worsen your own injuries. You've undergone a traumatic incident and sustained relatively severe injuries, which we've had to treat with fairly major surgery. We don't have much of an option."  
"But… but… I just can't" he trails off, voice full of defeat.  
"I'm sorry, Bryce. Just be thankful you were brought in when you were. Someone about your age called an ambulance and came here with you, but left soon after."  
That sent questions racing through Bryce's mind; who in their right mind would walk where he did? How did they have time to call an ambulance without being hurt themselves? Why did they care?  
"You seem to have calmed down, so I'll leave you be for now. A doctor should be along later; they'd like to talk to you and maybe run some tests."  
The nurse left the room, leaving Bryce in silence with only his thoughts as company. Really, really unwanted company.

He turns to face the window and look out on the view of the city. The hospital overlooks the safe side of the park and even from this height he can see small children running through the enclosed play area. The trees are swaying and clouds swirl around the sky. Buildings jut upwards, piercing the dull blue sky, a small attempt at permanence, something that Bryce can appreciate more than usual. He's never been in this room before, and it provides a surprisingly beautiful view, especially considering the evil that lurks within this town. From here, you could almost imagine it not existing.

  
The doors open and Bryce can hear the footsteps of two people, but he remains facing the window. He's not in the mood to deal with one doctor, let alone two.  
"Bryce!" One of them calls, in a voice he recognises, but he's taken aback at who it may be, making him doubt his senses yet again. The footsteps get faster and harder.  
"Jonathan! Don't run at him like that!" The other shouts, in a voice that is definitely Luke's. Suddenly, a weight lands on him and two arms are wrapped protectively around his chest.  
"You're alive!" Jonathan remarks and Luke laughs at him.  
"For gods sake Jon, do you really think they'd send us up here to see a dead body? Of course he's alive. Also you probably shouldn't jump on him either."  
Bryce turns over and props himself up, he is met by two familiar faces and despite everything, he smiles.  
"You… you actually came to see me?"  
"Hell yeah!" Jonathan replies. "We wanted to check you're okay, and everyone's really worried about you. News spreads fast. Obviously not everything we heard is true, like, there's no way that they were actually people from school that attacked you, and I doubt you killed any of them like some people are saying too" he laughs.  
"I mean… I… they were people who used to go to our school, but don't anymore, so I guess that's not entirely wrong. I definitely wasn't heroic or anything though." He laughs dryly, bitterly aware of the irony.  
It's a huge relief to him to finally have some sense of familiarity in this terrible, terrible place and he finally feels slightly grounded, like falling, but finding something to grab onto on the way down; at least it won't be as easy to be swept into a flashback or a panic attack. He feels more capable of rational thought, but the niggling worry is still persisting at the back of his brain.  
"Are we the first ones to come and see you?" Luke asks.  
"Um… yeah" Bryce replies. "Why?"  
"Ah. I was wondering if you'd heard what happened."  
"No…"  
"In short, a bunch of people did a bunch of stupid stuff." Jonathan sighs, a mixture of regret and disappointment, either in himself or in those other people, circulating in his eyes.  
"So, you know there was that party at mine?" Luke says.  
"Mhm."  
"And we have that really high balcony?" He adds.  
"Yeah…" Bryce trails off.  
"Basically, a group of them had too much to drink, and since it was a big party I wasn't sure exactly who was around. I was planning on staying reasonably sober, maybe drinking a little, but little enough to make sure I could keep people safe, but because there were more people than I expected, I couldn't keep track of everyone."  
"I tried to keep people away from the doors to that balcony." Jonathan added. "But I went away after a while since everyone was downstairs, and seeing as no one was around, there wasn't any point in me being there."  
"But anyway…" Luke's voice catches ever so slightly. "People decided it would be a great fucking idea to jump from the balcony into the pool. I know someone encouraged it, but again, I don't know who."  
"They were really far gone, like there was a group of people doing lots of shots for a really really long time, which I thought was probably them, and neither of us know who encouraged them to start it but, sure enough, it got fucked up pretty fast." Jonathan said.  
"Long story short, someone… someone jumped and missed the pool. I don't know what happened but… you saw… right, Jon?"  
"Yeah… oh… shit it was awful. Like what you see in games and on TV, but like… actually real."  
"He died on the way to the hospital - I think at least."  
"Oh… I… I'm sorry." Bryce stutters, and it's hard for him to find the right words. He can't imagine losing someone like this, even if none of them really knew who this person was.  
Silence falls across the three, each one thinking their own separate thoughts; Bryce reflects on the news and the other two are persisted yet again by what they think are their mistakes.  
"Oh yeah." Jonathan suddenly adds. "We think we know who _might_ have had something to do with it."  
"Yeah… some guy was chased out of school, and from what we could gather it was after his eyes had turned. Like, you know how Brian and that lot all left? It was like that again." Luke says.  
"Everyone was scared again, we… we don't know if he killed that guy on purpose or not, like, there's no way for us to know if he pushed him off or anything, and no matter how much we tried to get people to give him a chance, they just wouldn't." Jonathan sighs.  
"We just didn't have the influence, and what with all the rumours circulating about what happened to you, people thought that it might've been him that hurt you."  
"It's probably too late… but I don't think it was him. I… know who hurt me." Bryce sighs, knowing full well that he can't help the random stranger.  
"If you don't mind me asking, how do you know?" Jonathan asks, not in a pushy way, but in a tone of voice that's uncharacteristically gentle.  
"I… I just… I'll tell you in time, but just not now. I can't think about it."  
"I'm sorry, don't… don't worry about telling me any time soon if you can't handle it."  
"Thank you." Bryce trails off, wishing he could just tell anyone what had happened, but knowing that the consequences couldn't even begin to be worth it.  
"It's cool dude, whatever keeps you sane." Jonathan jokes, attempting to lighten the mood.

  
A third person comes into the room, cautiously at first, but his face lights up when his eyes see Bryce.  
"Dude! It's good to see you!" Mike says, his voice happy, a stark contrast to the others. "How are you doing?"  
"Better now I've seen all of you guys, I have to say." Bryce laughs, making a conscious effort to lighten his tone and hopefully defuse some of the tension that has worked its way in.  
"I'm glad they're letting you have visitors now, I tried to come yesterday but they wouldn't let me."  
"I can't believe you wanted to come and see me."  
"Of course, I was worried about you, buddy." Mike trails off, sounding almost regretful, although for what Bryce can't tell. "I take it Luke and Jonathan told you about what happened?"  
"Mhm, we did. But since we didn't really know much, you might know more." Luke says.  
"Well I don't really know anything, since a lot of the rumours that are going round are ridiculous, and you guys all know that it's hard to tell what's true and what's not anymore. I think people are trying to find out who it was, but I have nothing else."  
"I guess we'll find out anything else we can and let each other know" Luke says, and is met by murmurs of agreement. "Anyway, we should probably leave you to rest up, hope you feel better soon."  
"Yeah, bye for now." Jonathan adds.

  
Jonathan and Luke walk out, leaving Bryce and Mike alone together. Mike sinks down into the chair next to Bryce's bed and Bryce carefully shifts himself over so he can see him sitting there.  
"Ah, Bryce," Mike sighs deeply, "God, I'm sorry for staying around; I probably should've left with the others, but I wanted to talk to you more."  
"It's okay. I like having company a little longer. I can wait to sleep."  
"I was really worried about you, shit, we all were. I haven't been that worried for ages." He stutters, running his hands through his hair. "I heard it was Brian and his gang that hurt you. Ryan told me, and, like, I used to be really good friends with Brian, Scotty, Marcel and Tyler, and the fact that they've changed so much is really fucking scary. I know what they were like before, and even though we all know what… happens, the fact that people can change so much…"  
"I… yeah… I know."  
"I really didn't want to bother you, but I didn't know who to talk to. I… I don't know who I trust enough anymore." He sighs deeply again.  
"No, no it's fine. I don't mind; I'm used to listening." And he's not lying; he spends night after night trying to help people, and he genuinely _doesn't_ mind helping Mike.  
"I just can't believe that this can happen to people. I hate the world." He chokes out the last few words, voice laced with hatred and bitterness. "It's not fair, Bryce. I hate it."  
"I… me neither."  
"I didn't want you to get hurt. It's not fair. You're so _nice_ and, like, I don't understand why they were so willing to hurt you. Obviously, I don't know how it works, but… how?" His voice getting quiet, and he's averted his gaze towards the floor, closing his eyes and shaking his head. His eyes shine with tears, but he blinks them away as quickly as they come. "I'm sorry Bryce, I didn't want to start getting like this again." He lets out a disappointed laugh.  
"It's fine, we all have emotions, and everything's been such a mess."  
"The world is _fucked_." He laughs bitterly again and exhales heavily, "but hey, at least we have each other, and people like Jonathan and Luke and Ryan and all that lot."  
"I mean, I don't really know Ryan, but I'm sure he's nice too." Bryce attempts to joke.  
"It'll be okay, right Bryce?"  
"I really hope so, Satt." Bryce opts for Mike's nickname, preferring the familiarity and informality.  
"Can I hug you? I don't want to hurt you or anything."  
"Sure, it can't be as bad as when Jonathan ran at me." Bryce jokes, but with an element of truth behind it. Jonathan meant well, but being cut up and sewn back together leaves you more susceptible to pain that Jonathan seemed to realise.

  
Bryce sits up and Mike leans over, carefully embracing the frail blond, feeling as though if he hugged him too tight, he might break Bryce. Bryce hugs back, ignoring his aching arms, and slots his hands together, pressing his face into Mike's shoulder. Bryce feels tears begin to well up and his lip quivers ever so slightly, for reasons he can't quite explain. It could be regret at what's happened, worry about what'll happen next, or sentimentality. It feels like it's been years since someone has really cared about him and really looked out for him, and knowing his sappy side, it was quite possibly that which was making him cry.  
He feels protected, and the terror of the world melts away.  
The warmth of having someone's arms around him was more welcome than he could've anticipated, and he closed his eyes and just tried to absorb the moment.  
Who would've expected that something so good could come out of something so bad?  
It was the ultimate cliche, but it honestly felt like Mike was hugging his broken pieces back together again, and being taken care of rather than the one having to worry about others was the most comforting thing that Mike could've done, and Bryce doesn't think that Mike could begin to understand he significance of his actions.  
Mike pulls away, and smiles at Bryce, almost as though nothing had happened; as though Bryce hadn't almost died and wasn't lying in a hospital bed. As if they hadn't just lost more people they knew. As if everything wasn't spiralling out of control.  
"See ya, hope you get released soon. It was nice to see you again, even if it was only for a short time." Mike laughs.  
"No worries dude. Thank you for coming too."  
"I'll see you around, hopefully very soon. Get well soon, buddy."  
And with that he walks out the room, leaving Bryce alone, but feeling much better than he was before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me a while to update this, it's slightly longer than my other updates, but I hope you enjoyed it :) I've had creative block across lots of things (not just my writing) so it's taken a longer time for me to update, but the next chapter is almost ready :)  
> Also, I tried to add something that was kinda sweet at the end, because I feel bad for bullying Bryce so much, seeing as the next chapter isn't exactly nice to him either, but it's necessary for the plot (fluff will come later, I promise)


	5. Chapter 5

The doctors kept coming back. He endured test after test. Days blurred together, and he felt _so_ tired, both mentally and physically.  
He didn't know how long he'd been in there when he was finally discharged. His friends came back a few times, and his family came too, but most of the time, he was alone.  
It was a huge relief when he was finally allowed to leave. He was so tired; tired of his surroundings and tired of feeling so useless and confined.  
He travelled home and walking back through the door felt more welcome than it ever had before. Familiarity engulfed his senses and he let himself enjoy things again; picking up a few video games, a book or two, and sleeping properly for the first time in months.  
Even though he hadn't gone back to school yet, some of his friends, like Jonathan, Luke, Mike, Smitty, Craig, Brock and a few others, came over and brought him a cake that they'd made (which must've taken them ages, and probably caused quite a few fights. The cake wasn't exactly the most attractive one he'd ever seen, but it tasted good despite its appearance) and they spent time together, playing video games, as if nothing from before had even happened.

3 days later, he finally addressed what he knew he'd been neglecting. For a change, he'd decided to prioritise himself and focus on his own recovery, but he knew he needed to speak to her again.

As the time on his phone turns from 22:59 to 23:00, Bryce opens up his iMessage ready to spend another night distracting her from her dark thoughts. Even though they'd broken up a while ago, they still cared for each other as friends. Bryce felt as though he owed it to her to keep her safe and he knew that it was selfish that he didn't speak to her at all in the hospital, or even until now, after he'd been at home, but he was just so exhausted, even more so than normal. He was sure she'd understand, he could only hope that she hadn't let anything destructive get the better of her.

  
He sends simple hello at 23:02.  
A 'how are you?" at 23:04  
A 'where are you?' at 23:24  
He asks if she's playing a joke on him at 23:53  
And it turns midnight without a single message.  
Each one shows up as delivered, but not a single one changes to read.  
He asks if she's okay at 00:35  
He asks again at 00:41  
And again at 00:44  
And again at 00:45  
By this point, he's beginning to panic more. She'd only missed 11:00 a few times before, but it had never been this late without a single message. They always agreed to message each other at 11:00 even if they didn't properly speak until later, mainly so Bryce could keep track of her and so she would also know that he was there.  
He's sitting crosslegged now, elbows resting on his knees and his phone placed just in front of his feet. He stares at the screen, waiting for a reply. He waits and waits and waits.  
It's 2:03 when his phone begins to buzz and the screen lights up with an incoming call message which he seizes as soon as he sees it and brings the phone to his ear.  
"Thank god you called me I was beginning to wor--"  
"This is Bryce right?" A male voice asks, "as in Bryce who used to date my sister?"  
"Um… yes."  
"I… I… I don't know how to say this to you, Bryce." The man's voice catches as if he's about to cry and Bryce's stomach plummets. There's no way this can mean what he thinks it means, his mind instantly jumping to the worst conclusions.  
"Say… say what?"  
"Bryce… oh Bryce… I… I can't thank you enough for everything you did for her, but I'm sorry."  
Did? The past tense elevates his panic. No. No, he's just making assumptions. There's no way. "I… I've heard about what's happened to you over the last couple of weeks and I… I don't want to pile on but…"  
There's… there's no way.  
"What do you mean?" Bryce contests, urgency building up in his voice.  
"She's gone Bryce. She's gone. She… She thanked you in the note, and said if it wasn't for you there was no way she could've gone on this long. She said that she missed you the past few nights and wanted to apologise before she… before she 'left', as she called it, but couldn't."  
"No… no. That can't be right."  
"I'm so…" the man pauses and a sob echoes down the phone, but from far away, as if her brother has taken the phone away from his face to spare Bryce's feelings as far as possible. "Sorry."  
"This is my fault. I… I was gone and--"  
"Don't blame yourself, Bryce. I… I should go. I'm sorry."  
And the phone clicks.  
It's all his fault. There's no way he _can't_ blame himself. It's because he wasn't there when he needed to be.

He got up, swinging his feet off the bed and he is met by a wave of nausea that surges through him as he staggers to the bathroom, head spinning as fast as the world was beneath his feet. He stumbles into the room, knocking something over, and eventually reaches the sink with the mirror above it. Knuckles white, he grips the sides of the sink and squeezes his eyes tight shut, somehow hoping to shut out his thoughts.  
Rivers start to flow.  
He opens his eyes and looks in the mirror. The eyes that stare into his are shining and full of pain, light blue painted with a sheen of moonlight.  
Pain suddenly courses through him, causing his left arm to buckle and he squeezes his eyes shut again. He forces himself upwards again and what he's met with makes him wish he'd never looked.  
His irises are darkening. It's like his pupils are spreading.  
Darkness is diffusing outwards. Tendrils of black reach out and spread their poison and all he can do is watch. Before he knows it, his eyes have turned from sky-blue to deep, deep navy like the bottom of the ocean.  
He sinks to the floor, but he can't seem to cry anymore, and so he just stares into space, looking without seeing anything.  
It's all his fault and that's the only thought that can circle through his brain.

He sits on that cold, hard floor. It's uncomfortable, but he feels like that's the least he deserves.

Eventually, he stands up again and trudges back to his room, collapsing onto the bed.

He just feels so empty, but at the same time he's flooded with emotion. A tidal wave threatens to engulf him and drag him down to the dark depths he'd been avoiding for such a long time.  
She's… she's gone.  
There's a deep, deep blackhole in his chest, and it's growing and pulling everything in. They say that blackholes consume light too, and Bryce can believe it. All the light in his life is gone.  
Every last bit.

Oh god, it was all his fault.

He's been losing everything; his happiness, his sanity, his will to carry on, and now he knows each is completely gone.

This is the first time he's been up this late without messages buzzing through his phone. The first time he's been up this late without company. The first time he's ever felt this alone.  
He sits and stares for what feels like millennia, watching as the clock hands trace their way across the hours. Time moves inexorably.  
He watched the sun set, and now he watches it rise. He watched the sun go down as one person, and now watches it come up as a different one. It casts golden shafts through the room, but they all seem to avoid him, or maybe they're drawn in to this vacuum inside him.  
Water rushes through the room suddenly, blurring his vision as tears ease their way down his face, placing tracks of glittering stars across his cheekbones and his fingers when he reaches out to see what the liquid is running down his face. He shuts his eyes and presses his hands against them to try to block out the flashbacks, and draws his knees up to his chest again in a vain attempt to console himself. The irises beneath his fingers are tainted now.  
He can't help but think of the time when what was taking the same paths as his tears was metallic-smelling red, but this flashback isn't as severe as any of the others.  
Why, you might ask?  
Because he isn't scared of death now. What is there to live for? What's the point of staying alive if there's nothing good in the world?  
In a place so corrupted with evil, can he ever really be happy again?  
Bryce feels as though _he_ is tainted now. He stood in front of the mirror and watched as black ink was dripped into his eyes. The ink spread, billowing outwards until there was none of the light left.  
That's how he felt now. Like the light was gone.

He took the stupid path.  
He ended up in the stupid hospital,  
It was his _stupid_ fault that she was dead.  
He wished the stranger hadn't taken him into the hospital and had just let him die there. One more stab probably would've done it anyway. Why, just _why_ couldn't Brian have just done it one more time?  
The clock keeps on ticking, and the hands keep on moving. He'll have to leave soon. Maybe he should pretend he's okay, for the sake of others, but he doesn't think he could begin to try.

Reluctantly, he tries to stand up and walk to the other side of his room, but his head begins to spin again. The world swings violently sideways, and he falls heavily against his wall, jarring his shoulder. He slides down the wall and watches the colours of his room blur and blend together, unable to ignore the feeling of fuzziness that came with it.  
Dragging himself upwards, ignoring everything telling him to just lie down and stay there, he eventually managed to get clothes from days before that were lying on the floor and get dressed, but he completely abandoned everything else. There's no point.  
He knows his bag is somewhere, and there're probably keys in there too, but as long as he at least has them with him at some point, it doesn't matter right now.  
Picking up his phone, he calls Luke, hoping to get a lift to school. There's no way in hell he can face walking; his route passes too close to the park, and, even in this mental state, he can tell it would be too dangerous for him to walk at all when he's like this.  
Luke explains that he can't get Bryce, but is happy to look after him once he reaches school. The car's in for a service, so he's catching the bus that takes a direct route to the school, or something, but whatever the situation, Bryce knows he needs to try something else.  
Jonathan can't either, and Mike's already left. The others' carpool will have left too.  
He calls Luke back again, exhaustion seeping further and further into his voice as he appeals for help one more time. Bryce refuses to accept what he views as 'defeat' and stay at home, and just _has_ to cling to his normality; he needs to pretend nothing has happened and that nothing has changed. He can tell that Luke feels bad, as he hangs up to call someone else, who rings the doorbell a little while later.  
He's met by someone shorter than him, who he recognises, even in his delirium, as a friend of Luke and Jonathan's. He has tousled brown hair and is dressed reasonably plainly, in neutral colours like blacks and greys, as if he wants to blend in with his surroundings.  
"Luke told me what you told him, so I won't speak to you if you don't want me to." The almost-stranger says, in a voice that's kinder than he expects. "I understand that small talk won't be what you want right now."  
"Thank you." Bryce stutters, avoiding the stranger's eyes. He remembers what has happened to the others who looked like he does now, and, oh god, he can't let that happen to him.  
He goes to take a step out of the door and the world spins so fast that he loses his balance and finds himself falling into the arms of the stranger.  
"I'm Ryan. I'm glad to see you want to get that familiar that quickly." He laughs  
"Oh… sorry. I'm so sorry."  
"It's no problem. You should see Luke sometimes, he's much worse than this, especially when he's drunk, or, you know, just normally actually."  
And despite everything, Bryce lets out a laugh, even if it's only a small one.  
"Anyway" Ryan says "I guess you'd like a ride to school, and, if it's any consolation, I'm really sorry, and I hope you feel better soon."  
"Thank you." Bryce practically whispered, voice hoarse as his throat feels like sandpaper.  
Ryan offers the blond his shoulder, and Bryce lays his arm across them, leaning more heavily than he would like on Ryan, but he's hugely grateful for the support.  
He has no idea how he'll cope once he gets to school, but as he climbs into the car and leans his head against the glass, he hopes that he can feel better again one day.

It occurs to him why Ryan's name seems more familiar than he first considered; it was Mike that mentioned him in the hospital, and it was Ryan that knew about who attacked Bryce. Maybe there's more to Ryan than he's anticipated. No, no. He brushes the thought away, knowing that it's most likely just his desperate mind clutching at straws and trying to jump to conclusions to distract him from his grief.

The surroundings blur, and the rest of the car journey does too, and Bryce just stares into space, contemplating everything that's happening, but just feeling so empty.

As they pull up to the gates and Ryan starts to park, Bryce attempts to push his feelings aside, at least temporarily. He wants to keep up appearances so he won't attract attention, and anyway, his reclusiveness wouldn't be that out of character, considering how he's become.  
Bryce silently vows that he'll make the best he can of today, and with that, he takes a deep breath, parts ways with Ryan, and walks into school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update has taken me longer than I wanted it to, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway. I'm really really bad at writing hospital stuff so I pretty much skipped it lmao, but I hope this wasn't too depressing oops  
> And look who made an appearance!!  
> (Also can you tell I'm struggling with chapter names lol)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit all over the place, and it's mainly just a filler, but I have plans for the next few chapters!

The day passed by in a haze, and all of his senses felt dulled and foggy; seconds blurred into minutes that blurred into hours and the day felt as though it was both the shortest and longest one he had experienced.  
Everything felt sort of fake, as though everything that had happened just, well, hadn't. Who would've expected Bryce, just your typical, average Bryce, to have all this happen to him? He wished that he was still normal and he would give almost anything to go back in time and fix all the mistakes that he had made. But that's not possible, is it?  
Throughout his day, people stopped to console him; some offering cautious hugs, and tentative words as they took in his appearance, which was beginning to take on an even more skeletal look. Some of them looked at him as though they were almost afraid of him, which he didn't entirely understand considering that he had tried to hide his face so no one had enough time to properly look at him, and he still tried even harder to avert his eyes just to be safe. He smiled weakly at those who did, appreciating the effort, but he didn't feel like he was in any place to accept it, after all, he blamed himself for it all, and what he'd done sure as hell didn't seem like something that warranted any sort of kindness. Over the day he'd had more time to reflect on everything than he would've wanted, but he still felt numb, and, oh god, he needed to feel something. Knowing that it was entirely his fault haunted him, but, for whatever reason, no real emotions would come.

Luke offered to take him home, and they sat in silence in the car for quite a while. For whatever reason, conversation wouldn't come like it usually would, but neither of them minded the quiet as much as they'd anticipated; Bryce's thoughts had faded into a monotony in the back of his head, and they'd been going steadily throughout the day, so he'd just sort of come to accept it. He suspects that the silence on Luke's behalf is just him concentrating, which happens more often than he expects; it's especially common when he's try-harding in video games, but this was likely concentration for a much darker reason than usual.  
They pull up to a red light and Luke rubs his eyes and exhales heavily.  
"Just remember Bryce, it's not your fault." Luke says, "I know you won't agree with me, but I at least have to try and tell you."  
"Uh huh." Bryce brushes Luke off, absorbed in his own thoughts, quietly introspecting.  
The light turns green again and Luke drives away, sighing with exasperation. They drive a little further in silence as they draw closer to Bryce's house.  
"Bryce." Luke emphasises his name with a hint of frustration in his voice, jerking Bryce back into reality, "you can't just ignore me, you can't ignore everyone _all the fucking time_. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault."  
Bryce audibly sighs and rests his head against the window, staring out of it, but not taking anything in. "Can you see why I might have, I don't know, a _little_ trouble believing you?" He contests with a much harsher tone than he intended, sarcasm seeping into his voice. He internally curses.  
"Jesus Christ. Has it perhaps occurred to you that the rest of us are fucking hurting too? It's not just you that was affected. I… I understand why you're being like this, but, don't forget about us."  
Bryce may have been the closest to her, but he had been so self absorbed that he had forgotten about how close some of his friends were to her too. He cursed himself again for forgetting about something like this and being so selfish. For whatever reason, his frustration at _everything_ was taking over.  
"At what point did I forget about you?" Bryce raises his voice.  
"I didn't say you had! I asked you to make sure you wouldn't!" Luke gets louder in response, "Fucking hell." He then whispers under his breath.  
"What did you just say?" Bryce says, voice getting louder too. " _What did you just say_?"  
"You heard me, and it wasn't at you. Am I not allowed to be angry?"  
"I-I'm sorry. I'm on edge." Bryce backs down, "this has really messed with me."  
"No… no, it's… it's okay." Luke goes quiet, and he pulls into a space at the side of the road, not too far from the park, but definitely not as close to his house as he expected Luke would drop him off.  
"Don't leave yet, I'm sorry for pulling over but I just couldn't concentrate." Luke adds, "I didn't exactly feel like getting us in a road traffic accident." He laughs, but it rings hollow. Bryce looks over at him and sees him lean against the window, tipping his head backwards slightly and closing his eyes, pain wracking his features. He opens his eyes again and the usually bright, brown irises are dark and shiny with tears, a few of which begin to fall.  
"God, I'm fucking sorry for being like this. I'll get over it in a minute and I'll finish driving you home."  
"Thank you." Bryce breathes out.  
"I'm sorry, I'm just so goddamn tired of everyone getting hurt."  
"I think we all are."  
"I'll get you back home, don't worry."  
He pulls out into the road and starts the rest of the short drive to Bryce's.

* * *

 

As they pulled up to the side of Bryce's house they said a quiet goodbye, something relatively hasty so the pair can both get home. It's a little awkward, considering the argument they've just had, but nothing too major, seeing as both of them are at least slightly aware of how the other is feeling. Bryce thanks Luke again, and he isn't entirely sure if he can or wants to communicate how thankful he is, especially seeing as he thinks that he's being overdependent, and resents it.  
He walks up to the door, rummaging through his bag in the hope that his keys were in there, which they fortunately were. At least his past self was organised enough to help whatever mess he was in at the moment.  
Turning the key in the lock, he steps inside quickly and rushes up the stairs to his room, anxious to avoid talking to his parents. He hasn't seen them since his eyes have changed, because they both left for early for work, and, while he's been able to hide them from most of the people at school, his parents know him well enough to pick up on what's happened. Everyone's heard the stories about people disowning children and family members, and for good reason too, after all, who wants to be that close to someone that everyone knows is a murderer? Bryce hopes that his parents wouldn't do anything like that, but there's no way for him to know, and he isn't taking those chances; he knows that he couldn't hack it on the streets, and he doubts he could get any of his friend's families to accept him either.

  
He suddenly realises that anyone could walk into his room at any time, and that's something he really doesn't want to face. Hauling himself up from his bed, he grabs the chair from under his desk and positions it so no one will be able to open the door, except for him obviously. Breathing a quiet sigh of relief he grabs his laptop, intent on pursuing a thought that had crossed his mind earlier. He sits down again and begins to scour the Internet for coloured contacts, desperate to find ones that are as close to his natural eye colour as possible. Or at least what was his natural eye colour.  
Eventually, he finds some on Amazon that he reckon could pass for his own, and orders them quickly, prepared to pay extra for 1 day delivery, just so he can look normal again. Just for himself, Bryce wants to be able to look in a mirror without being reminded of what he's responsible for, and he wants to hide this new side of him from as many people as possible. Excitement bubbles up inside him as he buys them, but he represses it, knowing that it wasn't morally right for him to be happy about pretending none of this had happened. Nothing like a healthy dose of reality to bring you back down again.  
Bryce closes his laptop and lays down on his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. He itches to do something, anything, to distract himself and stop him from slipping back into the deep, dark whirlpool that is his mind. Checking the time, he realises how long he's spent on his laptop, and the fact that it's drawing ever closer to 11.  
Bryce knows that he isn't mentally stable. Who would be after losing someone so close to them? Let alone when you consider everything else that he's done and everything that has happened. His routine of late night texting had become so ingrained that he couldn't think of not doing it; the other nights he'd missed hadn't felt like they counted; being in the hospital felt so far from normality that he didn't slip naturally into his routine the way he usually did, and the last nights he just couldn't bring himself too. Because of his own unpredictability, he didn't know what he would end up doing at 11. He watched the minutes draw closer and he itched to pull up the chat like he had been doing for so long, but a part of him knew that all it would do is trigger some sort of awful, awful response. To distract himself, he opens up his chat with Mike, hoping he'd be awake, opting for Twitter dms so he wouldn't see the other chat.

  
' _Sorry to bother u, but are u around?_ ' He sends almost as soon as it turns 11; Bryce assumes Mike would be awake, but has no idea whether or not he'd be happy to talk to him or not. He wouldn't blame Mike if he didn't.  
' _Yea, how are you doing?_ ' Mike messages back, fairly promptly, alleviating some of Bryce's worry about being completely alone.  
' _Um okay I guess._ ' He types, finger hovering over the send button, debating whether or not to cover up his feelings even more so Mike won't worry about him. He sends the message as it is, hoping that it isn't overly positive, which might give him the wrong idea, or negative, which might scare him and Bryce really doesn't want to do that.  
' _That's good to hear :) glad you're feeling at least a bit better._ '  
' _Thank u._ '  
' _No problemo_.'  
Bryce didn't know how to reply, and apparently neither did Mike, but Bryce needed to keep talking to someone. A few more minutes passed and he could feel worry simmering in his chest again, and he was reminded of his… conversation with Luke earlier.  
' _How are you?_ ' Bryce sends  
' _I'm good, thank u_ '  
' _Can I ask you something?_ ' Bryce asks, and he's worried that he'll scare Mike off by the vague request.  
' _Shoot_.' Mike replies, faster than Bryce expected, especially considering how long it might take him to respond if someone asked him the same thing.  
' _Would you say that I'd forgotten about you?_ ' He says, hastily sending another message; ' _I mean, not you personally, but like, idk, everyone?_ '  
' _What makes u think that?_ '  
' _Luke didn't exactly say it outright, but I think he kinda implied it._ '  
' _Ahh okay. (hang on lemme just send u this, so you know I'm not ignoring you, I'm just typing out something longer)_ ' Mike replies, spiking Bryce's anxiety, but he's also intrigued.  
' _Okay_.'  
He waits a few minutes for Mike to reply.  
' _Yeah, Luke messaged me earlier, I'm guessing that it wasn't long after he got home, but he told me that you guys fought. I could tell he felt bad for yelling at u but he's also rlly stressed too and like I think he just wanted you to realise that. We both know that Luke gets angry when he stressed out, and this sort of situation isn't good for him at all. Or any of us I guess. But personally (don't take offence) I can see where he's coming from. You have been v spacey for a long time now and he's tried hard to kinda get through that I guess, but from what he told me he just kinda snapped when you did it yet again. (I'll send more in a minute, I just don't want u to think I've left)_ '  
Bryce scans through what he's been sent and he's flooded with emotions. He's angry, but, he doesn't feel like he's in the position to be; rationally, he knows that Luke doesn't deserve the anger Bryce feels towards him right now, and he shouldn't be annoyed at Mike for telling him because, frankly, he needed to know, but most of all, he's angry at himself again for being so unreasonable. He feels hot tears build up and his vision swims, and he blindly grabs something and throws it into a wall, embracing the sound of whatever it was cracking. He'd been indignant at Luke's accusation earlier, but it made a hell of a lot of sense now he properly thought about it. Blinded by rage, he got up, drew his fist backwards, and drove it into the wall. Twice at full force for good measure. He slides himself down the wall, dropping to his knees and resting his forehead against it, feeling the anger drain out of him and a feeling of utter weakness replace it. _Pathetic_. His hand stung, and he could see red on his knuckles, even through his blurred vision. The more his hand throbbed, the more he was drawn back to reality, and that reality wasn't pleasant. He was on the floor at almost midnight, all alone, responsible for someone else's death, causing all his friends pain, and holding his bleeding hand that was only hurting because he just couldn't control himself.  
His phone vibrates again, catching his attention. He opens his phone and looks at the most recent message from Mike.  
' _But one thing he did say to me was that he just wants you to stop blaming yourself and he doesn't know how to get you to. Bryce. He's scared that something will happen to you, and I can't say that I blame him. I said this to u before, but I want you to get through this, and I know that I want to help you and I know that Luke and Jon both want to help you, and Craig and Smitty and Brock do too. We want to get through this together, and we need you to make it through with us. Sorry I'm getting sappy yet again lmao, I just hope you'll listen to me. I'm always, always here for u._ '  
' _Idk what to say, except thank you I guess._ '  
' _It's no problem dude, I just want u to be okay._ '  
' _I think I'm gonna try to sleep now, bc I really can't be up with my thoughts, but I'll talk to you tomorrow when I see you?'  
'Of course. If u wake up and want me, I'll leave my phone somewhere where it will wake me up if you message me or anything._ '  
' _I don't deserve u, thanks man_ '  
' _You deserve a lot more than me, and I wish I could give u everything u need. It's not a problem and i promise you, we all want to help._ '  
' _Goodnight satt_ '  
' _Goodnight buddy_ '  
Bryce put his phone down and lay down in bed, drawing his duvet up to his chest and curling into the foetal position, carefully cradling his still-bleeding hand, crying for a whole different reason to before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took this long to update, I wanted to post this so I had SOMETHING up, so I hope you enjoyed it anyway lol  
> It's the night before results day, so I also wanted to put this up so I can put it through another round of editing later to distract myself, and I'm hoping I can make parts of it a little better.  
> Again, it probably won't be too long until I post a better chapter, but I hope this is okay for now :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The paragraph breaking is kinda weird in this chapter, but I'm too lazy to change it, so I hope u can put up with it lmao

Ryan was starting to get tired of Luke pacing. This wasn't characteristic for Luke; he usually concealed his worry as far as possible and it was almost always much harder for Ryan to pick up on, even despite his best efforts to be hyperaware of everyone's emotions. Ryan had got used to Luke's body language over the many years they'd known each other, and he was used to something more subtle, like his usual clenching and unclenching of fists, but for a change, he was up and pacing around Ryan's room, barely taking 3 strides before he was at the opposite wall. Ryan knows he's being insensitive, but he's starting to get annoyed, and a little dizzy, from watching him. Ryan runs his hand through his own hair and diverts his attention to fiddling with the cuffs of his hoodie, knowing full well that Luke will probably have some sort of outburst soon, and most likely before Jonathan arrives. As much as he hopes Luke will hold it in until Jon gets here, he really isn't optimistic.

Luke stopped suddenly. _Great_. Ryan knows _exactly_ what is coming now.  
"I'm unbelievable. Absolutely _fucking_ unbelievable. What's wrong with me, Ryan? Why am I so stupid?" Luke shouts.  
"Dude. You're not stupid, calm down." Ryan tries to reason with him.  
"Look at me Ryan. You know what I've done. What am I gonna do if I've pushed Bryce to anything?" Luke is getting closer to Ryan, and he's getting a little uncomfortable  
"Yes. I do know. And it's not that bad. I'm sure Bryce understands, and anyway, he's not exactly innocent in it either."  
"You didn't see him. He's a wreck."  
"And so are you by the looks of things."  
"Listen, _Ohm_ ," Luke uses his nickname, but he almost sneers it in a way that Ryan doesn't appreciate, "I don't appreciate your attitude." Ryan almost laughs at the parallel between his train of thought and what Luke said, but he stops himself, knowing full well he shouldn't incite anymore of Luke's anger - not until Jonathan gets here at least.  
"You can not appreciate my attitude all you want, but you know I'm right and that's why you don't like it."  
Luke paused for a minute and exhales heavily, followed by another loud breath in. Suddenly, and surprisingly, he laughs.  
"Why am I your friend when I hate you, you goddamn idiot?"  
"You know you love me." Ryan taunts him, hoping to lighten the mood, "but in all seriousness, I'm sure Bryce is okay. Mike said that Bryce talked to him last night, so that's definitely better than silence, which, I don't know about you, was what I expected considering what you told me about him and what I saw when I drove him."  
"That's good to hear."  
The two of them fell into semi-comfortable silence, but there was still some sort of tension in the air and Ryan couldn't really pinpoint what it was, which bothered him. He pulled out his phone and started to check Twitter, wanting to busy himself with something because, for whatever reason, he was feeling jittery.  
"When you say he's okay," Luke begins, with a touch of wariness and caution, "do you actually know for sure?"  
Ryan debates whether or not he should tell the truth; Luke is already acting up enough as it is, and god knows what he'll do if Ryan says that he _doesn't_ know for sure, and Ryan really didn't feel like finding out. He regrets not pushing Mike a little further, especially since he knew damn well Luke and Jonathan would ask about how Bryce was, and there was definitely no way Ryan was about to ask Bryce himself - he and Bryce barely knew each other and it would be weird to suddenly take some sort of interest in him and randomly message him out of the blue. He's sure Bryce wouldn't tell him anything either, or at least Ryan wouldn't if he was in his position. If only Luke would man up and just do it himself, then he wouldn't have to deal with all of this.  
"Of course." Ryan assures Luke with a smile, knowing he's taken the coward's way out, but not caring as much as he probably should do. It was hard for him to empathise properly with Luke, and so whichever way caused Ryan the less trouble suited him perfectly fine.  
"Good… good." Luke trails off.  
They fell into silence again.

Ryan hears the door open downstairs and people speak, it was muffled so he couldn't quite make out what they were saying, but he suspects that it's probably one of his parents speaking to Jon. Footsteps get louder and audibly closer, and in his peripheral vision Ryan notices Luke try and fix his hair and rub his eyes. Typical Luke, always trying to look good and keep up appearances. Ryan laughs internally at that. The door swings open carefully; they'd all had multiple occasions that they'd been sitting too close to that door and one of them had been hit with it, so they all resort to being cautious in case they repeat the incident when Luke slammed it open so violently that Ryan is still pretty sure he concussed Jonathan.  
"Yo guys, sorry I'm late." Jon walks into the room, carefully closing the door behind him.  
"Nice of you to finally join us." Ryan laughs, trying to make sure it was an obvious joke, hoping to bring Luke's mood up without having to address it directly. He didn't want to immediately ruin Jonathan's day.  
"You know you're lucky to even _be_ in my presence." Jon snickers and Ryan laughs too, the conversation with Luke almost gone from his mind. Call him immoral, but he didn't fancy dwelling on what couldn't be changed.  
"So, Jon, did you have anything in mind when you said you wanted to meet and talk with us?" Luke asks.  
"I mean, I wanted to ask you guys about Bryce, but I don't mind if you don't want to; it's nice to just hang out anyway." Jonathan replies, "I'm just worried about him and, I don't know, I was just hoping to get it out or something."  
"I am too." Luke adds.  
"We all are." Ryan says, not even sure himself whether he's lying for the sake of his friends or partially telling the truth; sure, he's worried for his friends and a little for this person who's practically a stranger, but how much can you worry about someone you barely know?  
"I was thinking, do you think he'll come on that trip next week?" Jon says  
"Who knows…", Luke wonders, "I think we should encourage him to though; it'll be a good distraction, and, as stupid as it sounds, it might give us a chance to almost, um, monitor him and make sure he's safe."  
Jonathan moves from his relatively awkward position standing near the door, even though he'd had plenty of time to move, and sinks down onto the floor, sitting crosslegged. Ryan finds himself looking down on Jonathan seeing as he's sitting on the edge of his own bed, and he feels weirdly awkward.  
"I remember him saying," Jonathan starts, looking at the floor and avoiding eye contact with the others, "that he put down the deposit, y'know, back when he would actually kinda speak to me."  
"Don't sweat it," Ryan starts, "he'll speak to you again soon. From what Luke's told me, this might be an opportunity for him to get his life back together"  
"An opportunity? Uh, that's really not the word I… I would've used." Jon questions hesitantly, casting his eyes up at Ryan and quickly turning his glance away after he makes eye contact, making Ryan realise that he's crossed a line. Again! You would've thought he might have learnt by now. Luke and Jonathan were usually the first ones to stop him, and they'd usually turn it into some sort of joke to stop people realising that Ryan was usually serious, but the look on Jonathan's face was so far from normal that it sent worry coursing through his chest which he suppressed as quickly as possible.  
"Shit. You… you know that's not what I meant." Ryan stutters, but even he doesn't believe what he is saying, so he doesn't doubt that the others won't either.  
"But do we? You do this a lot, dude. It's… it's a little worrying sometimes, because… you know…" Jonathan is implying something that doesn't sit right with Ryan, and he's not a fan of what he thinks he's being accused of. Ryan raises his eyebrows and looks down at Jonathan, also noting Luke's silence in the matter.  
"I'm sorry, Ryan, I… I don't know, I'm just stressing a lot. I didn't mean anything by that, I… " he laughs nervously "I don't know why I said it."  
"It's fine." Ryan says fairly bluntly and he can feel his hands start shaking for reasons he doesn't understand. He never shakes.  
Awkward silence falls yet again.

  
"I hate to butt in," Luke says uncharacteristically quietly and slowly, as though he's still deep in thought, "but none of us are normal at the moment, and who knows if we'll go back to how we all were before, but we… or _I_ think we should stop fighting all the time. Especially me, I mean, I guess this is more for me than for either of you. Hell, I've snapped at Ryan today, and Jon, you've snapped at Ryan today, I had a go at Bryce and he had a go at me. This isn't… right. This isn't what… what she would've wanted…"  
"She?" Ryan asks, genuinely confused.  
"I mean Sammie… Samantha"  
"Not to be like this again, but that hasn't helped me." Ryan says, keeping his voice low and neutral, so neither of the others criticise him again.  
"Bryce's ex." Jonathan cuts in, with an edge of emotion Ryan can't quite interpret. "And Luke is right."  
"Oh." Is all Ryan can manage, having not known her and only hearing things through Luke, who was good friends with her, not to mention Bryce as well, meaning he had a much deeper connection than Ryan could imagine.  
The conversation fades from there, each deep in thought, almost as though a heavy cloud has descended onto them. Ryan counts the seconds for a while so he has something to focus on, wanting to avoid becoming internally absorbed, and then turns his attention to his two friends; Jon has moved to lean against the wall next to him, still sitting with crossed legs, twiddling his fingers in his lap and staring at them intently. Luke hasn't moved much, if at all, and has diverted his eyes out of Ryan's bedroom window and they seem to subtly follow the trees blowing in the wind.  
Jonathan coughs, and both Luke and Ryan look up, to which Jonathan grins shyly in response.  
"Heh, sorry." He laughs, "I'm always like this."  
"It's fine." Luke laughs too, and the atmosphere seems to lighten again slightly. "Do you guys want to do something else? This is getting depressing."  
"Sure, we can play Mario kart or something if you guys are up for that? That'll definitely just make us angry at each other, and maybe just let us fuck around for a while" Ryan proposes.  
"Yeah I'm down." Luke assents, much to Ryan's relief, "how about you Jon?"  
"Of course, as long as you guys are prepared to get absolutely destroyed"  
"You only do that well because I'm shit at, like, all of the tracks" Ryan reminds him, and he's not lying either.  
"Psh, I'd beat you guys anyway."  
"Want us to get Smitty or Nogla over here? See if you still think that afterwards."  
"Fuck off, Ryan. And you too for laughing Luke" Jon feigns offence, making the others laugh harder.  
"Hey! It was funny!" Luke says indignantly and Jon joins in too in response, and they laugh for longer than they might normally, but emotions were generally running high, and everything seemed more extreme than usual.  
As the laughter fades off, Luke chimes in.  
"Do you think we should call Bryce and invite him over? We should probably make sure he's okay, and anyway, you guys," he nods to Ryan," should get to know each other better. Before you argue, I know you drove him the other day, but I want him to feel welcome."  
"Yeah yeah, I get it." Ryan replies, "you call him though, I feel like it'd be weird if I did it." And for a change, he's not just being awkward for the sake of it, but he's almost genuinely… nervous and that bothers him.  
"No problem, I'll go do it now." Luke stands up to grab his phone, and walks out of the room, probably deliberately avoiding Jon and Ryan so they won't muck around in the background like they usually would, leaving Ryan to mess around with the console and controllers, checking the batteries and setting it up ready for the four of them.  
After about 5 minutes, Luke comes back, almost hitting Jon (again) with the door but not quite, which was a relief; what sort of impression would it have given of Ryan if Bryce arrived and found one of his friends lying unconscious on the floor because the other just didn't seem to know how to be careful.

  
"He'll be over in 15."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a part 1 of the 'new chapter' I've written, which was really long, so I wanted to post it in 2 parts because school has just started up again so I'm not sure how busy I'll be and how much time I'll have to write, so at least I've got a chapter, that follows straight on from this, saved :)  
> Again, I'm not a fan of this chapter, but I hope it was okay lol


	8. Chapter 8

Bryce was definitely not expecting his phone to ring. He was surprised to get a call because he didn't think people would care, but also because he didn't think his phone had any battery left. After a relatively hurried conversation with Luke, he set to making himself look as presentable as possible. For the first time in days, he picked up a hairbrush and sorted out his hair so he looked less like he'd fallen straight out of bed, and surprisingly, he actually looked okay. Smoothing his fringe with his hand, he goes downstairs relatively cautiously and grabs the small Amazon package from down by the door, abandoning the other post there, efficiency being more important than organisation. He runs up the stairs, grabbing his glasses from his room, and locks himself in the bathroom, preparing to tackle the package. After an annoyingly long time trying to dig through parcel tape, Bryce realises that it would've been a good idea to take some scissors or something but he's made enough progress that, quite simply, he doesn't want to give up and let it win. He finally makes it through the tape, and tears it off the box with all of the strength he can muster, which, since he's not been taking proper care of himself, really isn't as much as he'd like. Undoing the box, he takes out the smaller one from inside and tears it open, finding the thinner cardboard gives way much more easily, allowing him to tip out the individually packaged pairs of lenses, counting about 30 pairs, which, considering he'd forgotten how many he'd ordered, was a relief. He could go for a month, no problem, maybe more if he reused them, which probably wasn't the best idea.   
He moves towards the mirror, being forced to look at his dark, dark eyes as he takes out his prescription contacts, shuddering at the memory of when they changed. Vision blurry now they're out, he picks up the coloured ones and puts them in, blinking so they shift properly into place. His glasses, where did he put the glasses? Squinting, he spots them on the side of the bath, and puts them back on, stepping back to the mirror and being shocked at his appearance again. They were so blue. Sure, he'd seen the lenses on a model, and he'd seen them in the picture, but seeing his eyes back to pretty much how they should be was such a surprise he almost cried.   
Probably just overtired.

He suddenly remembered that he said he'd be over to Ryan's in 15 minutes. It had been 10 and he wasn't even dressed yet. Firing off a quick text to Luke letting him know that he's running late, he looks through his wardrobe, feeling lighter and happier now he knew there was one less thing to worry about. Settling on a blue raglan t-shirt and black jeans, he grabs his phone, keys and some money and heads off out of the front door, shouting a hasty goodbye to his parents, making it clear that he had to leave _right then_ and wasn't up for conversation.

Walking out the door, he heads to the nearest bus stop, which is luckily closer than the one with the buses that head in the opposite direction. Looking at the directions Luke texted him, he makes sure he gets on the right bus in the right direction, and soon enough he is well on his way.   
Bryce is fully aware of how easily he spaces out, so he makes an effort to keep track of the stops, and it finally gets to the one near Ryan. Checking Luke's directions again, he jogs down the street, enjoying the feeling of his feet pounding against concrete and wind rushing past him, slowing his pace as he counts down the numbers.

Bracing himself, he breathes in before knocking on the door, remembering the pretty damn weird first impression he must have given Ryan. Ryan had to understand though, right? He'd been at rock bottom but, while he wasn't much better now, he hadn't exactly acted well.   
He raises his hand to knock, and the door opens before he has a chance and, to his surprise, it's Luke that greets him rather than Ryan.  
"Don't worry, Ryan's upstairs. Come on in. Welcome to _Chez Ryan_ " Luke adopts a ridiculous accent, which doesn't sound like it's from any country Bryce recognises, makes some sort of ridiculously grand gesture and bows, coaxing laughter from the tired blond.   
"Oooookay." Bryce laughs again, hoping that today will be the perfect chance to feel happier for a little while. He follows Luke up the stairs and turns into the second door on the right. Luke eases the door open slowly, sparking worry in Bryce's chest - what's beyond that door that has made Luke be so careful?   
"Just come in." Bryce hears Ryan's voice, "I made Jon move so you wouldn't hit him. Again."  
"Shut up, it wasn't even my fault the first time!"   
"I'll let you keep thinking that."

  
Bryce enters the room and he's fascinated by it almost immediately. Posters adorn every wall; from video games, to comic books, to bands, and Bryce wonders how long it must've taken him to get all of these. There are a few small collectibles on shelves but Bryce's attention is drawn to the full size replica of the master sword mounted on Ryan's wall, which stands out a bright silver against his navy blue walls. Being a huge Legend of Zelda nerd, he's immediately envious.  
"I see you noticed his sword." Jonathan sighs, "slightly over the top if you ask me, but I still want one."   
Bryce laughs and turns his attention to Ryan, who is sitting next to a wii, and makes eye contact with the other, who furrows his brow and quickly looks away.   
"Ignore him, Bryce. I would've expected him to be nicer to someone new." Luke accents his words deliberately, and Ryan rolls his eyes and laughs, pushing himself up off the floor and taking a step towards Bryce.   
" _Enchanted_ to meet you, Bryce. Simply wonderful." He extends his hand towards a confused Bryce, who shakes it, shooting Luke a sideways glance. "We've met already, but whatever makes Luke happy."  
"Ohm, stop being an ass." Jonathan cuts in.   
"Ohm?" Bryce questions  
"My nickname." Ryan adds, "they like to use it to make fun of me."   
"Only when we think we need to. Stop making us look bad." Jonathan rolls his eyes this time. "We do use it normally sometimes."   
"Anyway," Ryan diverts the conversation away from talking about himself, "do you wanna play? Sorry I put the wii on, it's the only thing I have 4 controllers for."  
"It's fine, Luke mentioned Mario kart, and I know most of the wii tracks at least a little."  
"Good to know. I hope you're good enough for Jon" Ryan's voice drips with sarcasm.  
"Fuck you, Ryan."   
"I hope you're not saying you us want to." Ryan stifles a laugh, smirking at Jon who just sighs. He suddenly changes his tone, and asks with a smile; "Anyone wanna play?"

The others agree and sure enough they're soon sitting close to the screen, shouting at each other.   
"How the fuck do you all keep getting blue shells?" Ryan yells, after began hit for the third time in one race.  
"I guess even the universe doesn't want you to win." Jon snickers again, soaring past Ryan straight into first, closely followed by Bryce. Ryan elbows Jonathan, sending him flying off the edge of rainbow road, much to the anger of the younger man who pushes him back, dissolving into a low-scale fight. Bryce carries on going to secure his 3rd consecutive win, and what was probably his 8th or 9th win of the night, streak disrupted by Jonathan only twice. He punches the air in celebration, and turns his attention to the two who were still squabbling like children. Luke snatches second from just in front of a disappointed Jonathan, and Ryan gets last again.  
"I blame you, Ryan!" Jon shouts with mock anger, "stop handing Bryce the win!"  
" _Hey_! I would've beaten you anyway, that was only one race, and look at all the others I've won!" Bryce retorts.  
"I can't argue with Bryce here," Luke interjects "he has been solidly beating you all night." He adopts a patronising tone; "does little Jonny-poo not like losing?"   
"I'm gonna say no." Ryan laughs again and a warm feeling rises inside Bryce. It's been so nice to laugh with friends and enjoy himself for the first time in weeks - he's even made a new one. Just forgetting about all his problems had been such a welcome break and he knows that Sammie would've wanted him to be happy. He hopes that, if she's looking down on him from somewhere, she's happy seeing him being happy, but Bryce isn't sure if he even believes in that sort of thing. If there is some sort of life after death, he hopes she's finally at peace.   
"Bryce… Bryce?" Jonathan waves a hand in front of his face and Bryce is jerked back to reality, "you okay there?"   
"Oh yeah… yeah." He laughs awkwardly, "sorry. I was just thinking"   
"Don't worry, we get it." Ryan assures with a smile, and Bryce feels more at ease. "You up for a battle or something? I really don't think Jon can take losing anymore races."   
"Sure, whatever you guys want."

They decide to play Ryan and Bryce against Jon and Luke on the teams in the battles, saying that 'it's only right' to handicap Bryce by pairing him with Ryan. Needless to say, Bryce can tell Ryan didn't appreciate being called a handicap, but Ryan can't really argue seeing as he's been almost consistently last, scraping third a few times.   
There was a lot of shouting as they all fired shells at each other and snatched up the fallen coins, Jonathan and Bryce particularly targeting each other after the friendly(ish) rivalry that had formed over the course of the night. Sometimes Ryan would yell in frustration after running into yet another banana much to Bryce's disappointment, but luckily the CPU made up for Ryan finishing with a grand total of 1 coin and the pair snatched victory, Bryce carrying most of the team.   
They carry on playing late into the night, caring less and less about the wii's shitty graphics and mildly uncomfortable controls, but just about winning.  
The sun sets without any of them noticing, but it gets to the point where the room is only illuminated by the bluish light from the screen. Bryce turns and sees the look of utter concentration on the other's faces. Shadows fall across each of them, and their features are accentuated by the contrast of blue and black, Ryan's cheekbones and eyebrows standing out especially, something Bryce hadn't really noticed before. He pulls himself back to reality, jerking his arms violently to stop himself falling off the track again and starts to tryhard like the others. As the race ends, Bryce yawns after losing ever so slightly to Jonathan.   
"I might call it a night." Bryce says, "I'd hate to keep losing to someone worse than me" he jokes, earning a tut from Jon.  
"I will too." Luke adds, "I can drive you home, if you want."  
"Thank you, I appreciate it"  
"I guess I'll go too." Jonathan says, yawning too.  
"See you guys," Ryan says, sadness ever so slightly creeping into his voice, "we gotta do this again some time, and hopefully I'll win more than one next time."  
"I hate to say it, but I doubt it." Luke jokes.  
"Yeah, but I wanted to be optimistic." Ryan agrees.   
The three of them walk out together, Jon walking to the bus stop and saying a quick goodbye, Luke and Bryce heading towards Luke's car. They both get in and Luke starts to drive.   
Lights whip past the car from blocks of flats and offices, streetlights casting puddles of yellow onto the rain-soaked pavement below. Raindrops track their way down the window and Bryce follows them with his eyes, focusing on them to help him to stay awake; it's been an age since he'd really done anything, and that exhausted him more than he wanted to admit.   
Luke pulls in alongside Bryce's house and they said goodbye.

  
Bryce yawns again and walks through the door, dragging himself up the stairs and into his room. He sighs again realising he's forgotten to take out his contacts, and wanders to the bathroom to do that, not wanting to relive the hell that is waking up after sleeping in contacts.   
He manages to take them out after about 10 minutes, which was much longer than he'd anticipated, but it could've been much worse. He purposely avoids looking at himself in the mirror and yawns again, blinking sleep out of his eyes, and stumbles back into his bedroom, taking off his glasses and placing them on his table. He then takes out his phone, keys and money from his pocket, putting them there too. He contemplates changing clothes, but decides he can't be bothered, so he climbs into bed, still in jeans, and falls asleep almost as soon as his head hits the pillow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shit ngl, but I feel like it's been quite long since I've updated so I thought I'd just post this how it is, not to mention I'm too lazy to edit it more.  
> I have about half of the next chapter written, so hopefully I'll have that done reasonably soon too.   
> Hopefully (!!) this should be the last kinda filler chapter for a while, because I have the next few chapters outlined which advance the plot a bit more, but I thought it was nice to get to know Ryan and the guys and bit more and have a nicer chapter in general :)   
> Hope you enjoyed!


	9. Chapter 9

Bryce awoke suddenly, covers tangled around his feet. A small patch of sunlight covered his hand which had leaked through the crack of his curtains, and scatterings of light dappled the rest of the room too, illuminating the darkness ever so slightly. His alarm was going off loudly and abrasively and he really just wanted to go back to sleep; ignore the alarm, ignore his responsibilities, and forget what was to come, or at least, that's what he wished he could do.   
With a slight groan he rolled out of bed, legs feeling stiff and cramped where the denim had cut into them. He hurried to shut off the alarm on his phone because it was really starting to piss him off. His mind raced, running through the stuff he needed to sort out, and he knelt down to pick up the bag he had abandoned in the corner of the room, but stood up suddenly, acutely aware of everything he had to rush to do. Fire suddenly shot through his chest and red danced in front of his eyes. Dropping to his hands and knees on the floor, he gasped for air, his lungs suddenly feeling trapped and compressed.   
"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit." He muttered under his breath. His head was down and he closed his eyes tight shut, trying to block out the waves of pain surging through him.   
"Keep breathing. Just. Breathe." He whispered to himself, trying whatever he could to reassure himself, although nothing was working. He attempted to slow his breathing, mind flashing back to when the knife in his chest cut off his airways. Sparks crossed his vision, trailing bright piercing lights that fragmented the world, widening and turning red. They morphed into blood and everything was suddenly bleeding; walls oozing blood, blood all over his hands, on his clothes, all over the floor. Everywhere. Everything was red. Everything was bleeding. Everything was--

Suddenly, it all dissipated. The blond was left on the floor, his breathing ragged, but everything gradually calming down. His heart still hammered against his chest. He anchored himself to his heartbeat, aware of the adrenaline coursing through his veins, of the blood rushing through arteries, of the poison still in his body.  
He was shaking and he lifted his hands to his face, surprised as they came away wet with tears. Funny. He didn't realise that he cried.   
Exhaling again, he pushed himself upwards, pain subsiding and beginning to lie lower, hoping to carry on getting ready without thinking about everything that's just happened. His mind keeps dancing away and out of his control provoked by whatever the hell had just happened to him, taunting him with visions of Brian grinning and twirling his knife in the corner of his eyes that disappear as soon as he blinks or turn his head. Paranoia haunts him.

He thought things were better.

Still shaking, he reaches for his bag again, but more carefully this time. He pushes his fringe backwards out of his eyes and rummages through what he already has in there, checking he has some stationery, a book and some other stuff, breathing a sigh of relief when he realises he won't have to waste more time looking for them.   
He gets his contacts out of the drawer he'd locked them in and he's anxious to change into them. He walks hurriedly to the bathroom, sliding the bolt across, the click echoing unusually loudly in his ears.

Water cascades out of the tap and all over his bony fingers. There was dirt under his nails and raised red arching over his knuckles from when he'd hit the wall. It had scabbed over now.  
He drags his attention back to his contacts, going to pick up one of the lenses on his finger and he glances into the mirror, but starts back at what greets him. He takes a physical step back, thoughts of putting the lenses in now insignificant.  
A smiling vision peers over his shoulder. Tyler.   
"We miss you Brycey." Tyler breathes into Bryce's ear, sending chills running through his body, ice dancing down his spine. "Oh, won't you come back soon?"   
Bryce's black eyes staring back at him in the mirror don't look so out of place next to Tyler.   
"Get away from me!" Bryce spits at him, but nightmare Tyler just grins.  
"I'm always gonna be here. Don't fucking forget us. We're always here." His tone has abruptly changed and he's practically snarling now. Tyler leans his chin on Bryce's shoulder and laughs a little. Bryce tenses up at his touch and freezes, the way you would if a rabid animal came close to you.   
Almost instantly, Tyler's arm was around Bryce's neck, just as it had been back in the park. Bryce choked as pressure built against his oesophagus, struggling for air. He snatched quick breaths, Tyler's grip tightening and tightening.   
"We're gonna make you regret living. You'll wish you had just died when you should've. Brian will hunt you down. Good luck!" Tyler throws his head back and laughs, mania taking hold of him. "Good luck." He repeats, and disappears in a swirl of black smoke.   
Bryce's vision was blurring, fading, blackening. He couldn't take in enough air and he was shaking and panicking. Fear had a icy hand around his heart. Anxiety wrapping tendrils around his lungs.   
No air. No sight. Just fear and darkness. The thick smoke fills the room and red tints the corners of his vision; the world seems like it has caught fire.  
His heart hammered against his chest again and it seemed as though it would break out of his ribcage. His head throbbed.   
The blackness pressed against him, smoke seeping into his mouth and eyes, filling his lungs and clouding his brain, as the fog and darkness became foggier and darker.

Bryce couldn't shake the feeling that he was going to die.

After what felt like millennia, the choking hold on him began to fade, and reality faded back in. Everything was disorientating and he was still terrified.   
His hands were completely still now.   
He… he's just got to keep going. Push it behind him, get ready and leave.

The seconds keep ticking, and soon enough he's ready and out of the house, walking hurriedly with his head down. He takes the long route to his school, purposefully avoiding the park as far as possible. He knows rationally that _that_ Tyler wasn't real, but he can't shake the fear that seems to be clinging to him.   
If they found him again, he'd be dead. No question about it. What would they do to him? Slit his throat? Stab him again? Cut him open? Worse?   
The questions flew through his brain and he couldn't push them away, no matter how hard he tried. The silence was leaving him with nothing else to think about, so he stops to take his earphones out of his pocket and plug them into his phone. Putting his earphones in, he slides his phone into the pocket in his hoodie, gripping it as tightly as possible to try and anchor himself to sanity. The music shuffled and _Midnight City_ by M83 started playing, Bryce humming along to himself, focusing on the melody and gradually slipping back to normal; his heart rate was lower, he was breathing steadily and he was just enjoying the music. Of course, he paid attention to his surroundings, and he noticed that everything seemed grey again, but he chose not to focus on that and instead make sure he wasn't gonna get hit by a car or something.

After walking for some time, he draws close to the familiar rusted gates and braces himself for another day of school, a niggling part of his brain reminding him of the danger surrounding him, after all, if he can hide his eyes so easily, what's to say that everyone around him isn't doing the same thing?

"Yo! Bryce!" He hears, and turns to see Mike running up to meet him, "how are you doing?"   
"Mm… good I guess, better than I was before at least." Bryce answers with a smile, hoping to persuade both himself and Mike that he was better and happier, luckily, Mike smiled back, "how about you?"   
"We're at school Bryce, how do you think I am?" Mike laughs a little, and Bryce finds himself grinning too, "anyway, you hyped for tomorrow?"  
"Tomorrow?"   
"Y'know, we're all going on holiday! If you _can_ even call it a holiday, which I don't think you can."   
"Oh yeah… I don't know, I guess I'm looking forward to it."  
"Dude, it's gonna be _amazing_! We can all hang out and do so much fun stuff, maybe we'll even get to room together!"   
"I'd love that. Hopefully we will."  
"I'm not normally a camping-y person, but at least we're in that lodge thing; I googled it last week and _damn_ it was so cool."  
"You think _everything_ is cool." Bryce states matter-of-factly, earning a noise of mock-indignation from his friend.  
"Well _excuse me_ for enjoying things in life! Anyway, I've got class, so I'll have to get going before I'm late, see you around man." Mike adds, before heading off to the left, leaving Bryce to turn right alone. His paranoia seems to catch up to him then, breathing down the back of his neck to remind him that it was still there.

  
A tall figure dressed in grey, leaning against the lockers catches his eye. The other person looks up and their eyes meet fleetingly, Bryce and Ryan clearly recognising each other quickly, neither completely sure how to react.  
"Uh, hey." Bryce starts, busying himself with unlocking his locked and sorting out his books and stuff.  
"Hi." Ryan replies, "sorry I must look really shady," he laughs nervously, "I'm just waiting for Craig; we both have maths first thing today."  
"Ah that makes sense. Have fun in maths I guess?"   
" _Can_ you even have fun in something like that?" Ryan says with a smirk.  
"Eh, I guess not."   
"Are you okay by the way? You look tired."   
"Why thank you," Bryce laughs, trying to make sure Ryan knows he's joking; Bryce sometimes comes off cold without meaning to, and he didn't want to lose another friend… wait, does Ryan count as his friend? Would Ryan even _want_ to be his friend? "But if you're interested, no, not really. I'll be fine though."  
"You sure? As fucking cheesy as it sounds, I'm around if you need me." Ryan looks at Bryce dead in the eyes then, deep brown locking into synthetic blue, but breaks away quickly, "I know you have Luke and Jonathan and stuff, but I know it's nice to have other people to talk to about stuff, and seeing as they both want us to become better friends, this is a way we can get them off our backs."  
"I'll keep that in mind, thank you."   
"No worries, oh, I'll give you my number and you can text me. I'm always up late and, from what Luke's told me, I'll understand if you wanna message me late or anything."   
"Thank you. Again I mean," Bryce shuts his locker having taken out everything he needs for his first 2 periods, "I guess I'll see you around."   
"See ya, it was nice talking to you." Ryan replies. He has a happier, lighter tone in his voice, one that Bryce didn't really hear when they were all together last time.   
"You too." Bryce turns and heads to English, keeping his head down, trying to hide the smile that was growing across his face, all thoughts of everything that had happened forgotten, at least for now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I've updated and I'm vv sorry for that, sixth form has been stressful and I've had a ton of work to do, so not much time to write or anything. I'm hopefully advancing the actual plot more now (rather than crappy filler chapters lol)   
> Fun fact : I literally had "have a better note to it > happy and nice!" in my notes for what I wanted to include in this chapter,,,,, let's just say I didn't really follow that
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter :)


	10. Chapter 10

* * *

There were so many people. Bryce looked around at everyone waiting in the courtyard with their bags and suitcases, excitement illuminating every face. Well, every face except his own.  
He should've been here with Sammie. They'd had plans to come here together; it was the trip that all of this school year went on and they'd seen year after year go from and return to this very spot and they'd anticipated doing this together.  
Unfortunately, life just doesn't work out the way it should.  
He looks down to hide the tears welling in his eyes; it was his fault that they couldn't be here together. It was his fault she was gone.  
He felt out of place suddenly, and he was all too aware of how he must look to other people, but fortunately no one seemed to notice. Or at least that's what he thought.

A hand tapped his shoulder, "you doing okay?" It was Jonathan again. He was clearly buzzing, but had hidden it as far as possible to help his friend out and Bryce appreciated that.  
"I'm just thinking."  
"About Sammie?"  
"Mhm." Bryce sighs.  
"I… I'm so sorry. I know you guys wanted to be here together, but I'm sure she'd still want you to have a good time." Jonathan looks down as he speaks, avoiding Bryce's eye contact. Bryce suspects Jon's own sadness is creeping in on him again; no matter how well he hides it, Bryce knows him well and so he can tell. "I'm not gonna pretend what I'm going through is anywhere close to you, what with all the other shit in your life, but I definitely understand you. You know I'm here for you, right?"  
"Yeah. Thank you. I just really--" Bryce's voice catches and he can feel his bottom lip shaking. He bites it and tries desperately to stop the tears that are now sliding down his cheeks, "I really miss her."  
His voice was choked up and he hated himself for it. He hung his head in shame and clenched his fists, hoping to drag his focus away from his emotion. Releasing the pressure, he gazed in disappointment but a little bit of wonder at the deep red crescents he had dug into his palms. God, he felt pathetic. Everything about this was his own fault and surely he should be prepared to accept the consequences for it.  
The tears just kept coming. They wouldn't stop, oh, why wouldn't they stop?  
He felt a pair of arms slide round his sides and felt the pressure of Jonathan's forehead against his shoulder.  
"I promise it'll get better." Jonathan mumbles into Bryce's shoulder. It's almost as if the world has melted away leaving just the two of them behind.  
"How can it, Jon? How can it?"  
"Just trust me. I know I'm not the most trustworthy person ordinarily," they both laugh a little at that, "but trust me now. As far as you possibly can, have a good time this weekend. They want us to make friends with the new people, and enjoy ourselves, so go ahead and enjoy yourself. I have faith in you, Bryce McQuaid, you can make it through this."  
"Thank you. We can do it together." Bryce whispers, more to himself than Jonathan.  
They stand there like that for a little while, thoughts racing through Bryce's head, and probably through Jonathan's too.  
"Uh, I hate to break up this moment," a familiar voice awkwardly interjects and the pair look up to see Ryan standing rubbing the back of his neck, "but they want us on the coach. We're leaving!"

* * *

 

Bryce sat next to Mike on the coach journey, sharing a pair of earphones and listening to the playlist Bryce had put together late the night before to distract him from himself. As the music transitioned into a slower song Bryce felt his eyelids begin to shut; the lack of sleep over what felt like years had taken its toll. He forced them open again. Bryce had been having nightmares since the attack, which had got even worse since losing Sammie. They weren't usually as bad as the weird day vision he'd had yesterday, but there was no chance worth taking. He'd had nightmares before that had woken him up screaming, but sometimes he'd sleep without any trouble. There was no way of knowing, but he didn't want to sleep now, just to be safe.  
Bryce hadn't felt safe in a while.  
The music rolled onwards while they did too, Bryce allowing the video game soundtrack to envelop him. The 'Abzû' soundtrack had always calmed him, and this time was no exception.  
As they neared the edge of the city, it became visibly older and more worn; many of the buildings around here were dilapidated, but there were still houses and cars and people around and, for some weird reason, Bryce found that kind of comforting. It was a reminder that normal life continued for so many people while his was torn and in fragments, which gave him hope that things could get better again. Hopefully it'd be soon.  
The only thing that bothered him about this place was its odd familiarity. He didn't think that he'd been out here before, but yet he still recognised it.  
Then it hit him.  
It was the news reports that had gone crazy big a couple of months ago. Actually, thinking about it, Bryce was surprised that he hadn't thought about this in such a long time.  
The whole incident was similar to what happened to him but much, much worse. Bryce's memory of the reports was jumbled, and he didn't really want to try and recall it in much, or any, detail. There were 2 friends that were walking around here when they were ambushed by three of… _them_ , and the gang killed one of them, Bryce doesn't know how, and doesn't want to know either considering how sadistic _they_ get once they change, but the other person managed to beat the others up pretty badly before they noticed what had happened to their friend. Someone that lived nearby called the police, but everyone left was dead or unconscious and the other person was gone, and no one ever managed to find them. There were search parties and missing person reports, but nothing ever worked.  
Bryce remembered all the panic that seemed to be everywhere after that came out; it had never been common for the changed people to actively seek out victims, so everyone was worried that this would spark some sort of revolution, and no one would be safe anymore. He doesn't know what happened to the others either.  
He was shaking ever so slightly, but soon enough they were away from that street, and Bryce tried as hard as he could to dispel the thoughts swirling around his head.

He felt a weight on his shoulder and glanced down to see Mike asleep on him, and, despite everything, he smiled.  
Bryce leant his head against the window then, and watched as the buildings became more spaced out and the world gradually transitioned from city to country and lulled him to sleep.

* * *

 

_Bryce was in a forest. The trees were closely packed and the world was so dark. Dead leaves and twigs crunched as he walked, and the moonlight barely even illuminated where he walked. He felt so alone, and there was nothing he could do, except to keep on walking. It was all dark. Everywhere he turned was dark. A hand gripped his arm, and he turned to see Brian holding it, knuckles white. He jerked his arm away and began to run as fast as he could._  
_"Help me! Bryce! Help me!" Brian screamed, fear and pain seeping into his voice._  
_Bryce continued to run._  
_"Help. Please." He wasn't shouting now_  
_He began to wonder whether he should help._  
_"Bryce… please" Brian's voice was weakening, and despite almost every fibre of his being telling him to run and leave, he found his feet carrying him back towards the source of the noise, winding through the trees again.  
Brian was on the floor lying on his side, eyes glazing over, blood dripping from his mouth and nose. The leaves around him were red. He was badly beaten up, but Bryce stayed a little way_ _away from him; he didn't, he couldn't trust Brian._  
_"Th-thank you." Brian smiled weakly, Bryce actually taking note of the fact that this was what Brian used to look like. His eyes were blue again. "I - I need help. Come… here. I - can't get up."_  
 _Bryce took a wary step towards him, then another, then another. He extended his hand which Brian took gratefully, and Bryce helped pull him so he could sit against a tree._  
"Tell Brock I'm sorry. And tell him goodbye."  
Brian coughed, sending more blood spattering onto the leaves around the pair of them.  
"I don't want to turn, Bryce. I know what's going to happen."  
"I --"  
"I'm terrified, and I hurt. I'm bleeding"  
"We should go somewhere safe. I want to help" Bryce started, but Brian turned his head to face him at that moment, causing Bryce to stop short.  
"You can't help me. I need help. I'm going to die. Or at least, this part of me will die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die." Brian faded off as he spoke, his eyes becoming duller with every passing second. "Just stay with me a minute"  
"I… I can do that."  
They sat in silence for a while, the only noise being Brian's laboured breathing.  
Brian suddenly started coughing again, only this time what came out wasn't blood, but was black and sticky. Brian started shaking, no, convulsing, as more of the liquid came from his mouth. He grabbed Bryce's arm again, and his grip tightened as he cried out in pain, or in anger, Bryce couldn't tell. Bryce looked down at his arm to see Brian's nails extend and blacken, digging claw-like into his flesh. They broke the skin and Bryce tried to pull away as his own blood began to ease down his forearm.  
"Run. Get away from me." Brian urged, voice changing as he spoke. Bryce pushed himself up off the ground, backing away.  
"Get away--" he broke into another fit of coughing, "I said get aw--"  
He suddenly cut off and stood up, almost still. Suddenly, he jerked his head up and gazed in wonder at Bryce with pure black eyes.  
"You're still here? Then let's have some fun." He threw his head back and laughed, just like he did back in the park. "Let's play tag! I'll be it!"  
And Brian took off running towards Bryce, who then broke into a sprint. He wove through trees, feeling undergrowth break under his step. The forest didn't change; every tree seemed identical and it almost seemed as though he was running in circles. His own pounding footsteps were echoing in his ears, as were those of his pursuer. He felt like he was being hunted.  
But the world went silent. There was no more running behind him, and no more breathing down the back of his neck. So he stopped. He caught his breath, and turned and looked behind him, feeling unsafe, even despite the silence.  
He turned back around and was met by a grinning face just inches from his own.  
"Come on Bryce, I really expected better." He sounded genuinely disappointed, 'but anyway --"  
He pushed Bryce to the ground, catching the blond by surprise. Bryce stumbled backwards as he fell, feeling the ground practically give way under his feet.  
Brian leant over him, cocking his head to the side.  
"I almost forgot!" He laughed, dropping down to sit in front of Bryce. He looked at his hand questioningly, as though it may have some sort of answer, "tag! You're it!" And with that he reached forwards towards Bryce, faster than Bryce could've imagined, tore through the fabric of his shirt and plunged his hand into his chest.

* * *

 

Bryce woke with a start, knocking Mike awake too. Bryce was breathing heavily and raggedly, and his hands were clammy.  
"Are you okay? Do you need me to get someone? You look like you might pass out." Mike persisted, concern etched into his features.  
"No… no. I'll - I'll be… I'll be fine." Bryce said, voice not coming out properly. "I'll sort myself out."  
Mike looked unconvinced.  
"Pass me the earphones?" He said, more of a question than a demand, but Mike passed one over to him, and Bryce let himself breath in time with the music, something he had always done to anchor himself back to reality when he had felt the need to.  
"Don't worry, it won't be long till we can get off, I think it should be like 15 minutes until we arrive, so just hang tight for a while."  
"That's good at least."  
"Yeah"  
Bryce zoned out and just watched the trees whip past the window, still shaken, but hoping that he'll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels like aaaages since I've updated, so have this thing lmao. It's quite disjointed, but, again, I wanted to further the plot, and I felt like I just need something posted lmao  
> I'm so busy, so I barely have time to write, but I got a weird motivation kick at like 1:30am last night, so if this chapter is a bit all over the place, then that's why  
> And for some reason, I can't get the italics to format properly, even though I've edited it twice :/, so just pretend the dream section is all in italics rip


	11. Chapter 11

Soon enough, the coach drew up at the campsite. Bryce was relieved that he could finally get off. The coach felt claustrophobic and almost tainted by his dream in a way that he can't quite explain. Stepping into the fresh air felt like surfacing from under water; the feeling of suppression, pressure and translucent worry broken by him coming up from under the surface, and he felt freer.   
He took in the surroundings properly, accompanied by Mike gasping. He smiled at that, wishing he felt that excited, or could feel that excited, when the weight of his earlier thoughts persisted. He breathed out, closing his eyes, and breathed in again, taking in the smell of the forest. He wouldn't worry about Sammie for this weekend, and she wouldn't want him to anyway.   
"Oh my GOD Bryce! Look how cool this all is!" Mike raved. Bryce couldn't quite share his enthusiasm, but it did brighten his mood slightly. Maybe he truly could have a good time this week.   
"Yeah…" he sighed as he spoke, still thinking, and not fully concentrating, "it really is"  
"I see Mike's going off on one again" Luke speaks quietly into Bryce's ear, coaxing laughter from him.   
"Are you surprised?" Jonathan walks round to stand next to them, "yo Mike!" He calls.  
"What?" Mike responds.  
"You're gonna have a stroke or something if you don't chill out!"  
"Fuck off Jon!"   
The taunting was something everyone was used to between the two of them; they were both bright and bubbly and they often got just as excited as the other, so they'd make fun of each other knowing full well it would never hurt either of them, and Bryce liked it.   
Their teacher called for them and they all gathered round, finding out that they were being told about who they were going to share a room with.  
There were rooms with two, three, and four beds, and they were being grouped reasonably randomly because the teachers wanted to mix them up so they could try and make new friends. Bryce was sure that this wasn't gonna work out, for him at least, but most of the time whenever people are forced to mix, Bryce knew that he and his friends would hang out together as long as possible to avoid any awkward forced interaction, and whoever his roommates had been in these sort of situations before had been exactly the same. Bryce is like that normally, and so he couldn't picture how he might get when he sort of… retracted into his self-protective state, like he had been over the past few nights.   
Bryce was hoping he'd be paired with Luke and Jon, or Luke, Jon, and Mike. Had he known Ryan longer, maybe he'd be happy to room with him too, but he doesn't quite feel comfortable enough around him. Anyway, he could tell the others if worst came to worst, and he knew they wouldn't shut him out, or rat him out, but Ryan already acts weirdly around him anyway, and there's no real way for Bryce to know how Ryan would take this.  
Yeah, it's better that he's with people he knows well.

Their teacher begins reading the lists off.

"Luke, Jonathan and Craig." They all high-fived, happy to be grouped together. It was a little unfair if you asked Bryce, but there was nothing he could do.

"Smitty, Brock, Mike" Damn, his friends were really lucking out.

"Ryan and Bryce." Bryce started at that, both happy and disappointed, but also kinda jarred. He was surprised, but he should've been prepared to be paired with someone he barely knew, after all, that's what happens every time on one of these sort of trips. But still, he felt a bit funny around Ryan. He seemed like he was hiding something, or he could sense that Bryce was, and it bothered Bryce that he couldn't tell which it was. Bryce knew damn well that he was hiding a lot from Ryan, but he just couldn't read him well enough to know if Ryan was doing the same.

"Hey." Ryan came and stood next to him, he smiled nervously at Bryce.   
"Hi."  
"I'm glad I got paired with you, at least we sort of know each other." Ryan seemed weirdly nervous, and Bryce noticed him swallow and avert his gaze quickly. What was with him?   
"Yeah, especially since there's so many people here, we got pretty lucky I think."  
"Mhm, definitely."

The list has finished being read, and everyone turns and heads into their assigned buildings; boys in one direction, and girls in the other, and then both groups split in two again. Bryce climbs the stairs to the second floor of their assigned lodge with Ryan, Luke and Craig who also had rooms on the same floor as theirs. That came as a relief to Bryce, since he knew he could go and get Luke in the middle of the night and they could take a walk or something if he had nightmares, and Luke wouldn't mind.   
He'd always bothered Luke with this sort of thing, and he knew that he probably wouldn't mind helping Bryce out. Anyway, if it was any time before about 4am, Luke wouldn't be asleep, so it wouldn't be a problem.

They drew up to the room and went in together, finding it was two single beds, one along each wall with a small wardrobe thing for each of them. Lying their suitcases down, Bryce sighed, not quite sure how else to break the silence.   
"So…" Bryce breathed, "this is it for the weekend huh?"   
"Looks like it. How long have we got until they want us again?"   
"No idea. I probably should've been paying attention, but I wasn't. Bryce laughed awkwardly, and Ryan chuckled slightly, not much, but Bryce was just surprised that something he said had earned some sort of positive reaction from him.   
"Craig'll probably know. Maybe we should go ask him, and I'm sure someone in that room might have actually listened. I zone out so easily, and you'd think I might know better by this point."   
"Good idea. I'm honestly the same, and it's a problem."

The pair of them laugh and the atmosphere of the room lightens slightly. Bryce's worries are slightly lessened, but by no means alleviated. He was worried about the night, not really anything else; he was sure he could cope with the days and stuff, but he was an absolute mess at night and that was with everything he used as a coping mechanism around him, but he had nothing except his phone and headphones with him, and he wasn't sure just how far music might get him. It was never usually enough on its own, and that definitely wouldn't change if he was in a different place.   
They walked out of the room and down the corridor until they reached the room where all the shouting and loud noises were coming from.

They both knew exactly which room Luke, Jon, and Craig were in.

Ryan tentatively knocked on the door which had no response. Probably because of all the noise.

After knocking a couple more times and still being ignored, they opened the door into carnage. It had been about half an hour since they'd been dismissed to go to their rooms and Luke and Jonathan were already fighting on the floor while Craig sat on one of the beds with his head in his hands.   
He looked up at Bryce and Ryan, who stood awkwardly in the doorway, with pain in his eyes.

"I didn't sign up for this." A defeated Craig said.   
"Are they… what are they doing?" Bryce asked, genuinely confused by the scene in front of him.  
"Believe it or not…" Craig sighed deeply, "they're fighting over the bunkbed. Like, they're legitimately fighting on the floor because they both want the top bunk."  
"Why am I not even that surprised?" Bryce sighed and laughed.  
"Don't laugh. They've been at this since we got here and they don't look like they're gonna stop. Can I move into your room and sleep on the floor?"   
"You know what, go for it." Ryan smiles too, "you can come back to our room for now if they're driving you insane."  
"It's like being with small children."  
"Hey!" Jonathan interjected, "fuck you Craig."  
"Gladly go fuck yourself instead, Jon." Craig retorts sarcastically.  
"We wouldn't have this problem if Luke would just give me the bunk!"   
"I'll do no such thing!"   
Craig sighs deeply again. Bryce has never seen him look so disappointed in someone else before.   
"Please. I need to escape this personal hell."   
"Good luck sorting yourself out." Ryan laughs softly.  
"Looks like they're gonna need it." Bryce says too.   
The three of them leave the room while the other two carry on fighting without them.

"Jesus Christ. I feel like a babysitter. You know they're both older than me too."   
"Can you blame me for forgetting?" Ryan laughs more; he seems more relaxed and easygoing around Craig, almost as though he's lowered some sort of shield and has gone back to being… normal. It's something Bryce had noticed later in the night when he'd been round with the others at Ryan's wile they all played Mario kart; once Ryan had got tired and concentrated more he seemed to relax more, but he was clearly cautious and acted weirdly when Bryce had first arrived, so maybe it wasn't such a surprise that he didn't keep it up. He was sure he was just overthinking things, after all, Craig and Ryan were clearly good friends, so of course Ryan would change how he was around the person he knew better.   
The other two were walking slightly ahead of Bryce, Ryan clearly teasing Craig, but Bryce didn't pay much more attention than that as he was far more engrossed in his own thoughts.

"Welcome to your new room." Ryan said, "you get the cupboard."  
"Why thank you," Craig replied with mock gratitude.  
"It's our pleasure. Now, let's discuss rent."  
"I should've known." Craig laughs.  
"20 a night." Bryce interjects.  
"Hm, I was thinking more like 50." Ryan adds.  
"Maybe even 75"   
"Fucks sake." Craig says, dragging out the a, "at least give me a bed for that sorta money."  
"Hm, I'm afraid that might be out of your price range. Cupboard, or go back to your hell." Bryce pretends to contemplate the first sentence, adding on the ending with mock seriousness, fully prepared to let Craig hide out here, but knowing that he'd want to go back once the others had settled their dispute.  
"Fine fine, I'll pay." Craig pretends to give in.   
"Glad to hear it." They all laugh, and Bryce feels included and he likes it.   
"Oh shit, we came along to ask you what time they needed us back."  
"Uh, I think it was 5:30? I don't know, but we'll hear when other people leave."   
"Good to hear I wasn't the only one to just not pay any sort of attention." Ryan said to Craig  
"Hey, at least I had some idea." He retorts, but jokingly. Bryce wished he had a friendship like theirs; they both seemed so comfortable around the other, and they were both mean to each other without the other taking offence, and Bryce felt kinda left out, even though nothing was actually happening that was really pushing him away.

They all just messed around for a while after that, joking around and just talking. Bryce had never really had an in depth conversation with Craig, and definitely not one with Ryan, but he really enjoyed it; they both had this way of making him feel like they were all old friends, and so Bryce was able to suppress the negative emotions he'd been tackling earlier in the day. The thoughts of the nightmare were almost, but not quite, gone from his mind, and he was genuinely just enjoying himself which was surprising. He hoped everything would stay like this.

Eventually they had to leave as they heard other people making their way out of rooms and down the corridors, which made Bryce sadder than he expected. He didn't want this moment to end.

"Oh, I should probably go check Luke and Jonathan aren't dead, you guys head down without me, don't worry about waiting." Craig suddenly said, "I'll see you guys at dinner."   
"Cool, we'll save space for you guys." Ryan replied.  
"I'll probably be dead, and then you won't need to worry, if I have to intervene with Luke and Jon, but thanks."   
"Well, we'll do it just to be safe."  
"Thanks, I appreciate it."

They all walked out of the room, Craig heading to the right while the other two turned left.   
"I feel bad for Craig." Bryce said quietly, "but hopefully the others will have sorted themselves out by now."  
"I wouldn't bank on it, but let's hope so."  
They walked semi-awkwardly in silence from then. Bryce hadn't realised just how much Craig had contributed to their conversation until he had gone.

Eventually, they reached the place where everyone was meeting to eat, and they found a table near to the corner, hoping people wouldn't bother to walk this far and the spaces would stay free. Sure, the table was big, but hopefully that would mean all of the guys could sit here.   
Everyone arrived, and the table slowly but surely filled up with all of their friends, and the meal passed, full of happy chatter and dumb jokes. It was nice, and it felt different which Bryce liked. Craig, Luke and Jonathan were all alive, much to everyone's surprise.

Once they'd finished eating, everyone was sent to the campfire. Bryce wound up with Ryan on one side and Jonathan on the other, squashed uncomfortably in between them. The night was cold, but the fire was, obviously, nice and warm, and the atmosphere was one that couldn't have been any further from what Bryce expected when he first arrived. The fire bathed everyone in a warm, orange glow and they all joked and sung songs together.   
Bryce revelled in the feeling of belting out the lyrics to all sorts of songs along with his friends, laughing when they all messed them up, or someone went to the wrong verse. Everything from Fall Out Boy to Smash Mouth, just whatever people knew, or didn't quite know as it seemed sometimes.

"I would walk five hundred miles!" One side of the fire yelled.  
"And I would walk five hundred more!" Bryce shouted back, along with his side, Jonathan leaning in towards him, the pair of them laughing together. The song carried on, and it couldn't have sounded worse, but it also couldn't have been any more fun.

It was so nice to just forget about everything.

Ryan and Bryce headed back to their room together, both talking about everything that had happened that day. It made Bryce realise just how much he'd been missing out on up until then and, while he felt guilty for repressing everything, he was grateful he'd taken this time to properly enjoy himself; he'd really needed it.   
They started getting ready for bed, both of them messing around for a surprising amount of time. Bryce was starting to feel comfortable around Ryan, and he thought Ryan was the same, but it was still hard for him to tell.   
Eventually, they settled down and Bryce clicked the light switch, putting an earphone in and turning away from Ryan, pretending to be asleep. Bryce waited until Ryan's breathing evened out and he was sure he could get up without disturbing him.   
Creeping out of his bed, he eased the door open and shut again. Barefoot, he headed down to the end of the corridor where the big window looked out over the campfire pit, which was still smouldering slightly, and the forest, leaning on the windowsill and looking out. The hallway was cold and Bryce could feel goosebumps coming up on his bare arms.

He was thinking.

He couldn't take his contacts out; he'd have nightmares no matter what he did and he really couldn't risk Ryan seeing. God knows what Ryan might do, but it wouldn't be good, and Bryce really didn't want anyone else knowing.

His thoughts wandered.

It was weird to think how recently he'd been in hospital, how recently he'd been stabbed and how everything had happened in such a short space of time, mainly because this felt like a world away. That reassured him. Maybe he could recover properly, ignoring how much he'd have to hide, and maybe things would be okay. Casting his eyes out to the trees, he smiles to himself; he actually believes in himself for the first time in years and that feels nice.

He opts to head back to bed, taking care to be as quiet as possible again, and gratefully crawls into bed while almost bracing himself for how awful his eyes will feel in the morning, but the pull of his tiredness is too great to worry for long, and he slips into sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, uh, I'm not dead and I finally posted this chapter after having it written for over a month.   
> Mainly just a filler chapter and it's kinda there to lighten the story slightly, so it's a bit happier lmao  
> I have no idea if some of the campfire songs are British memes, so I'm sorry if they are.  
> I'm sorry it's been so long since an update; life's been vv stressful, and I've been working on another fic at the same time as this, which I wanna try and get further into before I publish any. I feel like my writing style has changed a bit since I started writing, so I'm sorry as well if it feels different oops  
> Hope you enjoyed <3


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